Tag Archives: Humor

The Progressive Pillow

8 May

There are many beliefs about how humans came to exist on this planet.

A lot of people believe we evolved from primates, and I can believe this because one of my brothers grows hair everywhere except his forehead. Another large portion of people believe God made the first humans out of clay, which I could also believe because my mid-section feels clay-like when it is squeezed (actually more like play-dough.)

Scientists and scholars on both sides try to prove the others wrong with carbon-dating, fossil records, and ancient texts. However the best evidence presented to me came from my dad when he told me that God obviously played a part in creating humans because we were anatomically made to fart, and the sound makes us laugh (even if it was not our own noise!)

Although this explanation did not go over well in my 4th grade science class, it really is a philosophical gem. Laughter is not mentioned extensively in any of the major religions, yet in my opinion it is one of the best parts of human existence. Even the least funny person can make a room full of people laugh with what I call ‘fragrant grace’.

Regardless of where humans came from, we have come a long way since killing things with sticks, and fearing each night that the sun would fail to return when it went away.

I am humbled any time I think of the great minds that created the inventions that we use every day. I am humbled because when anything I own breaks, such as the remote control last night, I have enough technical know-how to take the batteries out and put new batteries in (and if that fails, to buy a new remote.)

When my car would not start a couple of months ago, my solution was to open the hood and stare at what I assume was the engine for 5 minutes, apparently attempting to will the mess of metal and wires to do their job. Ironically when AAA came, it turns out I just needed to switch out the battery.

Then there are many inventions that even I could have invented, such as the pillow. I wonder how long it took people to realize that sleeping on rocks was not comfortable. It is such a simple concept, yet so much has been done with the pillow since its inception (which has been dubiously dated back to the ancient Egyptians.)

A sign of human progress is seen in the countless number of different pillows that have been developed. Head pillows, neck pillows, body pillows, prayer pillows, bath pillows, and the list goes on and on. Using pillows as my example, I wish to illustrate a different side of progress, that is, when progress becomes unneccessary.

When Progress Needs to Regress

When did humans decide that the more pillows you have, the more successful you seem? I found out that only wealthy men in ancient Asia could have pillows, so maybe this has traveled throughout the centuries and somehow landed on my bed.

This is actually the guest bedroom. We have enough pillows for 12 guests to sleep in the twin-sized bed.

We have so many pillows to put on our bed when we make it each morning that it looks like extravagantly rich people sleep in our really small bedroom. Consequently, our space-deficient bedroom has pillows all over the floor when the bed is in use, so if I have to get up at night for any reason I fall 95% of the time after tripping on a huge pile of pillows.

Believe it or not, our house does have floors.

Alas our guest bedroom has just as many pillows, so if someone happens to be staying over we rarely get to see them through all the pillows on the ground (this may be a slight exaggeration, but I contend that pillows are meant to provide comfort, not decoration.)

My Good Idea is a solution to this regression of human common sense. It is my attempt to inspire those people who are forcing so-called progress, with their unnecessary, poorly researched and hurried-to-market inventions, to spend their time and resources on important things that will progress humankind. These “innovations” are clogging our brains and shelves like too many pillows in a small bedroom.

The Progressive Pillow!

The basic concept  of the Progressive Pillow is a compromise between those who see no purpose in having pillows that are not used for their intended purpose (such as me) and those who believe aesthetic value supersedes common sense and safety (such as my wife.)

Using the same pillow covers,  I replaced the bulky feather-filled pillows with bath-type pillows filled with air. These are connected to an air pump that takes less than 1 minute to fill all the pillows, which are sewn to the comforter. This way, when we are in bed we deflate the pillows with the push of a button.

The material is like a pool raft, except in pillow form!

When we leave the next morning, we simply press the button to refill the pillows. This way we can sleep comfortably, walk around the room without sprained-ankles, and still impress our guests with how many pillows we can afford as a representation of our comfortable lifestyle.

Nicely inflated pillows!

The Progressive Pillow should eliminate the need for pillows to progress any further, and this is a good thing because more people can spend time figuring out truly important things, such as a better way to treat sprained ankles.

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Happy Birthday, Good Idea John G!

7 Feb

When I saw that I had received a card in the mail today, I got excited like I used to when I was little. Then again, every letter I got in the mail when I was young either contained a birthday card full of cash, or a report card full of brilliant gems from my teachers, like “John G has trouble paying attention during math class.” 

When I am a dad, I am going to write honest responses to my kid’s teachers like “that’s because you are boring” or “not everyone enjoys math like you do, you big smelly dork.” Then my kids will think I am cool (or they will get taken away.)  

For a brief moment when I saw the card today, I thought someone may have remembered my anniversary. Not the anniversary of my marriage, or that of my birth in August, but the anniversary of the day I posted my first Good Idea on GoodIdeaJohnG.com.

Much to my chagrin, it was just a nicely dressed advertisement. I briefly wallowed in self-defeat, a vaguely familiar feeling that I had not experienced since second grade coach-pitch baseball, when I was hit by a pitch two times in one game, by the other team’s coach.

It is not that I expected people to send me cards, gifts, or a cake to celebrate, but I had secretly hoped that they would. However, unlike that coach-pitch baseball game, I am not going to run home crying and never play baseball again. I have decided to celebrate my anniversary by giving my loyal readers updates on some of my favorite Past Good Ideas:

Good Vibrations

Count one for the old school! My vibrating football game correctly predicted the Super Bowl’s victor, as well as contained a few other eerie parallels. Take that, technology!

Successfully Predicted:

1.The entrance song while the two teams ran out of the tunnels was the same as in my video! (I’m still creeped out by this one…) 

2.The key Steelers fumble, recovered by the Packers

3. The Black Eyed Peas were completely terrible!

4. The Packers kicked a field goal at the very end of the game

Things my vibrating football game did not predict:

1. Christina Aguilera’s fumble (of the national anthem’s words)

2. Me losing all respect for Slash and Usher

3. Heinz Ward unfortunately did not get attacked by a tiger, although there is still time

Licensed to Kill Time 

Bow-hunting season ended this weekend for my brother and I without any deer taken. However we both considered it a successful hunting season for different reasons. My brother said that he was excited that he saw a lot of fresh deer poop, and where there is poop there are deer, which would inevitably lead to successful hunts in the Spring. I found success in knowing that no matter what path my life takes, I will never be excited to see poop. But then again, I have never been severely constipated.   

  

A Good Idea Christmas Tale!

Because this Good Idea first rhymed, the update should rhyme too (about the wrapping paper made of envelopes and glue.)

This paper stirred up quite a fuss, when given to my friends. Most people tried to save it up, to use it all again!

Alas, the presents it contained were quickly set aside (and thinking of the cash I spent, something in me died) 

Instead of buying presents for next year’s Christmas time, I’ll just wrap up my junk mail, and will not spend a dime!   

Mo Money, Mo ‘Stache, Less Problems

Believe it or not, my goal during the month of November was not to prove that I look weird with a mustache, even though I proved this unequivocally. My ultimate goal was for people to pledge money to my mustache, in a similar way that people would pledge money if I were running a 10k for charity. Unlike a 10k run, which would net me zero dollars because I would not even make it 1k, this venture was very fulfilling. At the end of the month, thanks to my generous friends and family who donated, I had raised hundreds of dollars for prostate cancer research.

I also came to understand how some people, such as the cashier lady at CVS, can become attached to their mustaches in a very powerful way. Unfortunately my wife did not feel the same attachment.

  

Deck out the Halloween

Facebook Profile

 After hundreds of votes came in, the Facebook Profile costume won by landslide! I excitedly wore it into the first party and quickly realized that no one got it (as I suspected, the people who read my blog are smarter than everyone else.) I also quickly realized that trying to keep my head centered in the picture was causing my neck to spasm, so I dejectedly took the winning costume off.

These are my late grandfather's gloves. He was proud of his right to bear arms.

 

 Ironically, my brother borrowed the Second Amendment costume (the right to bear arms) and received huge laughs and kudos all night.

  

  

  

  

  

  

My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Newman’s Own 

 

Planet

Who Dey watching Animal Planet

 

I got my first-ever negative response from a reader on this post. He claimed that my self-sifting litter box was too difficult to make, and said that bags existed that could do the same thing in a much easier fashion. I was blown away that 1.someone actually tried to make this Good Idea, and 2. someone took my blog seriously enough to write a negative comment. Furthermore, I wonder what he was searching on Google to come across my blog about cat poop?

 

 Awards and Recognition

I appreciate everyone who has read along thus far, and thereby helped GoodIdeaJohnG.com receive the highest rating (a Wow! rating) from WordPress.com!

This is actually not a joke, GoodIdeaJohnG.com got the highest rating possible from WordPress.com (although I still have no idea what that means...)

I also decided to start a yearly tradition by awarding one extraordinary person who assisted me with some aspect of my blog with what will be called the Good Idea John G! Honorary Creator of Excellence in the Field of Questionably Brilliant Ideas Award (or the GIJGHCXFQBI award).

2011 GIJGHCXFQB award, from "Tumble Dry Low"

This year’s nominees are:

1st nominee: Cousin Anne, for purchasing Photoshop for me even though I am terrified of it

2nd nominee: Freddie G, for his Good Idea to shoot deer in his back yard, regardless of how illegal that is

3rd nominee: Robby R, for first using the acronym GIJG instead of typing Good Idea John G, to save time

4th nominee: Jon B, for his James Earl Jones-esque voice in what has become my most successful blog post.

5th nominee: Chris M, for recommending that I charge subscription fees, even though he probably would be the only one to pay them.

This year’s winner of the GIJGHCXFQBI Award is………….. Jon B!!! Congratulations to Jon B, and thank you to all the other nominees!

Last but not least, because no one felt compelled to celebrate my site’s milestone anniversary, I had the Good Idea to use this award I found at Goodwill to commemorate this day. Then I celebrated my site’s anniversary by paying the $17 renewal fee to keep GoodIdeaJohnG.com going for another year, in hopes that next year someone will remember my anniversary (or hopefully by then, one of my ideas will have made me rich…)

Certificate of Excellence in life, awarded to John G (by John G)

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