The Progressive Pillow

There are many beliefs about how humans came to exist on this planet.

A lot of people believe we evolved from primates, and I can believe this because one of my brothers grows hair everywhere except his forehead. Another large portion of people believe God made the first humans out of clay, which I could also believe because my mid-section feels clay-like when it is squeezed (actually more like play-dough.)

Scientists and scholars on both sides try to prove the others wrong with carbon-dating, fossil records, and ancient texts. However the best evidence presented to me came from my dad when he told me that God obviously played a part in creating humans because we were anatomically made to fart, and the sound makes us laugh (even if it was not our own noise!)

Although this explanation did not go over well in my 4th grade science class, it really is a philosophical gem. Laughter is not mentioned extensively in any of the major religions, yet in my opinion it is one of the best parts of human existence. Even the least funny person can make a room full of people laugh with what I call ‘fragrant grace’.

Regardless of where humans came from, we have come a long way since killing things with sticks, and fearing each night that the sun would fail to return when it went away.

I am humbled any time I think of the great minds that created the inventions that we use every day. I am humbled because when anything I own breaks, such as the remote control last night, I have enough technical know-how to take the batteries out and put new batteries in (and if that fails, to buy a new remote.)

When my car would not start a couple of months ago, my solution was to open the hood and stare at what I assume was the engine for 5 minutes, apparently attempting to will the mess of metal and wires to do their job. Ironically when AAA came, it turns out I just needed to switch out the battery.

Then there are many inventions that even I could have invented, such as the pillow. I wonder how long it took people to realize that sleeping on rocks was not comfortable. It is such a simple concept, yet so much has been done with the pillow since its inception (which has been dubiously dated back to the ancient Egyptians.)

A sign of human progress is seen in the countless number of different pillows that have been developed. Head pillows, neck pillows, body pillows, prayer pillows, bath pillows, and the list goes on and on. Using pillows as my example, I wish to illustrate a different side of progress, that is, when progress becomes unneccessary.

When Progress Needs to Regress

When did humans decide that the more pillows you have, the more successful you seem? I found out that only wealthy men in ancient Asia could have pillows, so maybe this has traveled throughout the centuries and somehow landed on my bed.

We have so many pillows to put on our bed when we make it each morning that it looks like extravagantly rich people sleep in our really small bedroom. Consequently, our space-deficient bedroom has pillows all over the floor when the bed is in use, so if I have to get up at night for any reason I fall 95% of the time after tripping on a huge pile of pillows.

Alas our guest bedroom has just as many pillows, so if someone happens to be staying over we rarely get to see them through all the pillows on the ground (this may be a slight exaggeration, but I contend that pillows are meant to provide comfort, not decoration.)

My Good Idea is a solution to this regression of human common sense. It is my attempt to inspire those people who are forcing so-called progress, with their unnecessary, poorly researched and hurried-to-market inventions, to spend their time and resources on important things that will progress humankind. These “innovations” are clogging our brains and shelves like too many pillows in a small bedroom.

The Progressive Pillow!

The basic concept  of the Progressive Pillow is a compromise between those who see no purpose in having pillows that are not used for their intended purpose (such as me) and those who believe aesthetic value supersedes common sense and safety (such as my wife.)

Using the same pillow covers,  I replaced the bulky feather-filled pillows with bath-type pillows filled with air. These are connected to an air pump that takes less than 1 minute to fill all the pillows, which are sewn to the comforter. This way, when we are in bed we deflate the pillows with the push of a button.

When we leave the next morning, we simply press the button to refill the pillows. This way we can sleep comfortably, walk around the room without sprained-ankles, and still impress our guests with how many pillows we can afford as a representation of our comfortable lifestyle.

The Progressive Pillow should eliminate the need for pillows to progress any further, and this is a good thing because more people can spend time figuring out truly important things, such as a better way to treat sprained ankles.