Getting Audrey Hepburn’s Legs in Shape

4 Feb
Decorating Your Makeshift Workout Room

    

 I use a lot of self-deprecating humor, mostly revolving around being fat, out of shape, and being easily distracted. I am, in fact, out of shape and easily distracted. This is why I can’t consistently work out; if I am not crying within the first 5 minutes of exercise because I am in pain or can’t breathe, I become bored to tears due to the mundane repetition involved with most forms of exercise that are available to me. I know I’m out of shape when the 70-year-old woman on the Pilates video can put her leg behind her head, but I have to wear Velcro shoes to avoid the effort involved with tying two sets of laces every morning.    

 On the other hand I don’t feel like I am a fat person, per se. I only feel fat when, after a long day of sitting at the beach or around the pool, I get a sunburn everywhere on my body except my “bathing suit area” and the 3 white lines that are a result of the way my stomach folds when it attempts to retract into itself to compensate for my seated position (in the winter, when my skin is devoid of any color at all, the same position causes these lines to turn red. I like to think the lines change colors with the leaves each season. )  Long story short, I set up an exercise room.     

In an attempt to create a theme in the workout room of “things that are naturally beautiful” (which I chose for my wife who is naturally and unequivocally beautiful) I bought a picture of Audrey Hepburn at Goodwill. Believe it or not, that was not the Good Idea.     

Smoking isn't healthy, but people who own cats live longer than those who don't, unless the cat also smokes

 

The potentially GOOD IDEA    

The picture by itself on the wall looked out-of-place, mostly because it was bright pink. The exercise equipment stand I made from a piece of an old bed frame and two abused speaker stands also looked out-of-place, mostly because it was poorly done and stupid. I suddenly had an idea, and lo and behold our box of old clothing that was ready to be dropped off to Goodwill provided me with a worn out suit coat (with its hangar), a pair of my wife’s old shoes and socks, an old clutch purse and along with several safety pins and some leftover tin foil from lunch, I gave birth to Audrey Hepburn’s legs.      

            When Audrey gets tired of her clothes, she donates them to    

                   Goodwill because regardless of her fame and success      

                            she still knows where she came from    

The Verdict    

Even though everyone who has seen this decoration has said they love it, I don’t believe that everyone wants/needs their own lifelike 3-D art piece. That being said, in my opinion this is way cooler than the 2-D cutouts that sell for $150 online, and I bet if everyone who has one in their bedroom or man cave had the chance to make it 3-D for $135 dollars less, everyone would jump on board. Even though this will probably never happen I am proud that it only took $15 dollars to add a lifelike Audrey Hepburn that will watch me as I try to get in shape, or at least try not to cry as often.  

    

Total Cost of Production    

$15    

 

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