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Diarrhea Fashion

10 Aug

Typically the entrance into fatherhood does not take people by surprise who are not on Jerry Springer. Occasionally in Hollywood films a man will discover that he unknowingly fathered a son many years before, and happens to be pointing a gun at or holding an axe above this son’s head when he finds out the news. In other words new fathers have time to prepare. But just the same, as much as one prepares for fatherhood, there is really no way of being prepared for fatherhood.

From the very beginning of a child’s life the surprises start coming one after another. The act of birth itself is so surprising that many fathers are introduced to fatherhood from a face-down-on-the-delivery-room-floor position. For anyone who has not watched the miracle of a live birth, line your floor with pillows and then Google it.

I could write volumes about how life-changing and incredible my own personal experiences with fatherhood have been thus far, but then this blog would read more like a personal diary. I believe parenthood is just so different for everyone that it is best left to experience; in my opinion reading about it does not do it justice. So instead of writing about my daughter in a diary fashion, I am going to write about a Good Idea inspired by my daughter, called diarrhea fashion. First things first, here is my lovely daughter:

She's a cheeky monkey.

She’s a cheeky monkey

Some readers may recall that I made a promise years ago that I would never again write about poop. Then I had a daughter, and along with changing my life she has changed my mind about writing about poop (and this is not because my daughter only looks like me when she is pooping).

Babies are like the book “Eat, Pray, Love” except it would be titled “Eat, Cry, Poop, Sleep.” And it does not necessarily happen in that order. It can be more like “Eat, Cry, Poop, Cry, Eat, Poop, Cry, Sleep, Cry, Cry, Cry, Poop, Sleep, Cry.”  And this process usually begins at 4am.

As my daughter grows I have noticed that even though the diapers get bigger, she still manages to have what most parents of babies call ‘blow outs’; where the amount of poop produced in one face-color-changing push cannot be contained by the diaper, subsequently ruining her outfit permanently because baby poop apparently has the same chemical makeup as a yellow permanent marker.

Here is the face:

This is usually followed by the same face, just purple.

This face is usually followed by the same face, just purple.

And here is the resulting damage:

These have already been washed, twice.

These outfits have already been rinsed, scrubbed, and washed… twice.

People without babies will ask “why not just throw it in the wash really quickly so it doesn’t set in?”

To them I say “bite me.” If I had time to do a quick load of laundry, I would also have had time to take a shower, mow my lawn, and write a ‘new baby’ blog before my daughter was 3 months old. At this rate our baby announcements are going to be a picture of our daughter’s high school graduation.

The problem seems to be that when a baby is brand new they are extremely time-consuming. Then as they get older and start to have personalities, it is hard not to play with them when they are awake and not crying, sleeping, or pooping. This results in not being very productive, and definitely not doing quick loads of laundry.

I had a Good Idea to solve this problem called Diarrhea Fashion.

It's cute and disposable!

It’s cute and disposable!

By constructing outfits out of adult-sized diapers parents can enjoy the dual benefits of a cute baby and a disposable outfit! No more will pooping up their entire back ruin the outfit and the blanket the baby is laying on.

Any cheesy saying can be included on the front.

Any cheesy saying can be included on the front.

The only drawback of the current design was that my model was not cooperating. Now I know how all the designers in New York feel.

Diarrhea fashion model

Her face looks so pensive because she was literally using the product at this precise moment.

While the outfits are not as cute as baby Gap or Carter’s, they serve a purpose that our daughter seems to be needing more and more as she grows (and eats more and more). It may look odd now, but if new parents everywhere agreed to dress our babies in Diarrhea Fashion, we would all save money in the end (and also I would make a lot of money in the end). Anyone interested in buying from the Diarrhea Fashion line, please leave your order in the comments, and I will get back to you sometime within 18 years.

Rainbow Emi

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Making Baby Faces

5 Mar

As I revealed in my time-consuming claymation video over the holidays, my wife and I are pregnant. In fact at this point we are extremely pregnant; 32 weeks to be exact. For anyone who wants to learn more about pregnancy there are a several medical websites to access information about gestational age and fetal development.

Several of our friends and family members admitted to searching these websites for information about how hormones affect hair growth during pregnancy. This is because when asked to send a picture of my wife’s belly, I had the Good Idea to send this image of her hands around my “baby bump” instead. For pregnant couples looking for a quick laugh, the key is for both people to wear the same color shirt, and also for the husband to be fat and hairy.

My wife's belly didn't get bigger than mine until her third trimester...

My wife’s belly didn’t get bigger than mine until her third trimester…

The majority of pregnancy-related websites, however, will tell expectant parents signs of their baby’s gender (long before they have developed genitalia), what mom should eat and avoid eating (with no references or legitimate data), and what fruit their baby resembles for some reason. Most of these websites also include discussion pages where expectant mothers that have no idea what they are talking about opine about pregnancy. I tried to steer my wife away from these pages because if our child is actually shaped like a pineapple, we need to seek real medical advice, not advice from potential members of the next cast of ‘Teen Mom’ on MTV.

In my opinion, the websites that have been the most troubling are those that claim to be able to use a photo of mom-and-dad-to-be to create an image of what their child will look like. I went along with my wife’s request to partake because dressing up our cat failed to give me a good enough picture of what our daughter might look like in the new clothes we were given:

My wife and I tried several websites, as well as the over-priced photo booth at Dave and Buster’s, and the results were extremely concerning.

John G + Lil J

For example, here are some of the photos we got from Dave and Buster’s (apparently they thought my wife and I were brother and sister.)

At least she could play the role of the Orangutan in the next Planet of the Apes installment...

At least she could get casting in the next Planet of the Apes movie…

This might have been what our child looked like if my wife was Rosanne Arnold...

This might have been what our child looked like if my wife was Rosanne Arnold…

My potential role in the ghastliness of these images had me very concerned. My wife is obviously smoking hot, so could my looks in fact be bringing down our average so much? In the spectrum of attractiveness I figure I fall somewhere between Antonio Banderas and Quasimodo (i.e. I have no idea) so to test this troubling theory I went to another website that allows people to see their potential lovechild with a celebrity of their choice.

I removed myself from the equation and instead mixed an image of my wife with Brad Pitt because a.)he is obviously considered a beautiful man, and b.) I am fairly certain that given the chance my wife would knock boots with Brad Pitt. This was the resulting child:

Baby-of-Brad-Pitt-and-Katherine-Heigl

It does not take a genius to figure out that my wife’s theoretical baby with Brad Pitt is more attractive than my theoretical baby with my wife.  To make myself feel better about my wife theoretically cheating on me with Brad Pitt, I uploaded a picture of myself with Angelina Jolie and got the following image:

Obviously this website's formula is based in logic...

Obviously this website’s formula is based in logic…

Since the website would not allow me to electronically breed with Angelina Jolie, I figured the last data set I needed to verify would be to find out if Brad Pitt just makes people’s babies look better. Here is what a baby between me and Brad Pitt would apparently look like:

I think I broke the website with this one.

I think I broke the website with this one. (I didn’t edit it, it’s just this bad.)

After a lot of research it is pretty obvious that I am the limiting factor in the breeding game, at least where looks are concerned. That being said, I do believe I bring a lot of other traits to the table. To demonstrate this idea, here are some images of our baby’s ultrasounds. But instead of contributing my looks, these images show our baby utilizing some of my skill set:

The resemblance is uncanny...

The resemblance is uncanny…

My wife's uterus came equipped with a karaoke machine!

My wife’s uterus came equipped with a karaoke machine!

This is my daughter made out of clay. Is claymation considered a skill set?

This is my daughter made out of clay. Is claymation considered a skill set?

Truth be told, I could not care less what my daughter looks like when she gets here. I simply hope we can instill in her the truth that looks really hold zero value compared to true inner-beauty. And if she happens to be as beautiful as her mother, then kudos to her (and kudos to the gun store, where I will buy all of my guns to show off to my daughter’s future boyfriends.)

If she happens to look more like her dad, I have a feeling that she will be just fine because she might already have my attitude towards people who value looks over personality:

That's my girl!

That’s my girl!

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