Making Baby Faces

5 Mar

As I revealed in my time-consuming claymation video over the holidays, my wife and I are pregnant. In fact at this point we are extremely pregnant; 32 weeks to be exact. For anyone who wants to learn more about pregnancy there are a several medical websites to access information about gestational age and fetal development.

Several of our friends and family members admitted to searching these websites for information about how hormones affect hair growth during pregnancy. This is because when asked to send a picture of my wife’s belly, I had the Good Idea to send this image of her hands around my “baby bump” instead. For pregnant couples looking for a quick laugh, the key is for both people to wear the same color shirt, and also for the husband to be fat and hairy.

My wife's belly didn't get bigger than mine until her third trimester...

My wife’s belly didn’t get bigger than mine until her third trimester…

The majority of pregnancy-related websites, however, will tell expectant parents signs of their baby’s gender (long before they have developed genitalia), what mom should eat and avoid eating (with no references or legitimate data), and what fruit their baby resembles for some reason. Most of these websites also include discussion pages where expectant mothers that have no idea what they are talking about opine about pregnancy. I tried to steer my wife away from these pages because if our child is actually shaped like a pineapple, we need to seek real medical advice, not advice from potential members of the next cast of ‘Teen Mom’ on MTV.

In my opinion, the websites that have been the most troubling are those that claim to be able to use a photo of mom-and-dad-to-be to create an image of what their child will look like. I went along with my wife’s request to partake because dressing up our cat failed to give me a good enough picture of what our daughter might look like in the new clothes we were given:

My wife and I tried several websites, as well as the over-priced photo booth at Dave and Buster’s, and the results were extremely concerning.

John G + Lil J

For example, here are some of the photos we got from Dave and Buster’s (apparently they thought my wife and I were brother and sister.)

At least she could play the role of the Orangutan in the next Planet of the Apes installment...

At least she could get casting in the next Planet of the Apes movie…

This might have been what our child looked like if my wife was Rosanne Arnold...

This might have been what our child looked like if my wife was Rosanne Arnold…

My potential role in the ghastliness of these images had me very concerned. My wife is obviously smoking hot, so could my looks in fact be bringing down our average so much? In the spectrum of attractiveness I figure I fall somewhere between Antonio Banderas and Quasimodo (i.e. I have no idea) so to test this troubling theory I went to another website that allows people to see their potential lovechild with a celebrity of their choice.

I removed myself from the equation and instead mixed an image of my wife with Brad Pitt because a.)he is obviously considered a beautiful man, and b.) I am fairly certain that given the chance my wife would knock boots with Brad Pitt. This was the resulting child:

Baby-of-Brad-Pitt-and-Katherine-Heigl

It does not take a genius to figure out that my wife’s theoretical baby with Brad Pitt is more attractive than my theoretical baby with my wife.  To make myself feel better about my wife theoretically cheating on me with Brad Pitt, I uploaded a picture of myself with Angelina Jolie and got the following image:

Obviously this website's formula is based in logic...

Obviously this website’s formula is based in logic…

Since the website would not allow me to electronically breed with Angelina Jolie, I figured the last data set I needed to verify would be to find out if Brad Pitt just makes people’s babies look better. Here is what a baby between me and Brad Pitt would apparently look like:

I think I broke the website with this one.

I think I broke the website with this one. (I didn’t edit it, it’s just this bad.)

After a lot of research it is pretty obvious that I am the limiting factor in the breeding game, at least where looks are concerned. That being said, I do believe I bring a lot of other traits to the table. To demonstrate this idea, here are some images of our baby’s ultrasounds. But instead of contributing my looks, these images show our baby utilizing some of my skill set:

The resemblance is uncanny...

The resemblance is uncanny…

My wife's uterus came equipped with a karaoke machine!

My wife’s uterus came equipped with a karaoke machine!

This is my daughter made out of clay. Is claymation considered a skill set?

This is my daughter made out of clay. Is claymation considered a skill set?

Truth be told, I could not care less what my daughter looks like when she gets here. I simply hope we can instill in her the truth that looks really hold zero value compared to true inner-beauty. And if she happens to be as beautiful as her mother, then kudos to her (and kudos to the gun store, where I will buy all of my guns to show off to my daughter’s future boyfriends.)

If she happens to look more like her dad, I have a feeling that she will be just fine because she might already have my attitude towards people who value looks over personality:

That's my girl!

That’s my girl!

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6 Responses to “Making Baby Faces”

  1. Poppa March 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    Another masterpiece. Thanks for the laughs.

  2. Erik N March 6, 2013 at 11:14 am #

    John G,

    You are a mess. I look forward to seeing you here in Atlanta soon.
    Erik N

  3. Freddie G March 6, 2013 at 8:37 am #

    Dr. Suess did Cat in The Hat but I don’t remember Cat in the Onesy? Can’t wait for baby G!

  4. John G March 5, 2013 at 10:04 pm #

    Kate G,

    Man oh man, That was a post in-and-of itself! Any headway on your blog?? I appreciate your well wishes. I don’t appreciate that Jill laughed more at your comments than at my entire blog. Either waayyyyyy, I hope you survive the snowpocalypse and I hope it misses us. Good luck on that drive way! Love, John G
    PS tell your friend “better out than in!”

  5. Mary Carol G March 5, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

    Bravo! Getting so excited!

  6. Kate G March 5, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

    On a VERY snowy day in Chicago where I was sitting in my house trying to get up the motivation to remove the new 6-8″ of snow that has dirtied my driveway, this was the greatest read of all time. A dear friend of mine is in labor RIGHT NOW and I so wish I could read this to her…pesky doctor says “she’s busy.” Like having a baby is hard…

    So since all my favorite people are having babies, I thought, what the heck?! I could do that! I called Brad Pitt and he said his swimmers are all tied up with Angelina’s neediness. Over it. I moved on to The Biebs, figuring our musical genius combined could create the next Mozart, but it turns out he’s jailbate and as good looking as I am, I can’t go to prison. (“Michael, I’m having the time of my LIFE!”) Lastly, I thought I’d throw caution to the wind and contact George Foreman. Now I know what you’re thinking…”Kate, don’t just have a baby with a man because he’s a charming cook.” But the deal breaker was actually that he refused to name our child anything but George. I found that curious. (George.)

    Considering you’re two of the radest people I know, I’m leaving this one to you, G-Little. You guys are going to be so fantastic.

    PS-Dressing the cat in baby clothes was great practice for having a teenager. No doubt kitty is still a bit peeved and “will never forgive you”…but just remember: she has to love you. You clean the litter box.
    PPS-The baby bump photo is incredible. Sending much love and body wax!

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