New Job? Make it Rain!

At Last, My Job Has Come Along

After wallowing in the most unpleasant depths of unemployment for what seemed like several lifetimes, the stars finally aligned, the universe declared its long-awaited intentions, and someone in HR’s heart grew three times its size the day that I got a job offer.

During the period of stressful uncertainty that comes with unemployment, I may have inadvertently discovered how Jim Henson created the Muppets’ numerous diverse personalities. Some days I would take on the world with the zeal and over-confidence of Ms. Piggy, while other days I would be filled with the self-doubt and anxiety of Fozzy Bear.

I even had a phone interview where my answers sounded like the garbled nonsense of the Swedish Chef gradually moving toward the high, nervous pitch of Beeker (I didn’t get that job.)

Jim Henson is still an inspiration to me and my several personalities

All Muppets aside, I noticed that the weather played a large role in my mood and this winter brought a lot of crummy weather.

Rain, Rain, Go Away, Come Again When I’m Employed

 Most people I know have called in sick at least once on a rainy day, claiming anything from food poisoning (never serious enough for the hospital, just a little poisoning) to a sudden, short-lived fever (unlike Bieber fever, which I was told may last forever.) Whatever is ailing them seems to be cured by watching movies in bed all day.

Job or no job, a rainy day drains my energy almost as quickly as watching 5 minutes of “Sex and the City” with my wife, although rainy days do not make me dumber. Believe it or not, the desire to stay in bed is even more discouraging when there is nothing important to do.

This is hard for people with jobs to believe, because the only respite from the exhausting work week is the glorious arrival of Saturday. The sad irony is when every day is like Saturday(as in unemployment,) Saturday eventually loses its allure and every day starts to feel like a Monday.

I also love lasagna and kicking dogs named Odie


I’m Never Gonna Stop the Rain By Complaining

It is amazing how quickly a rainy day can become inconsequential. When I was finally hired, I stopped noticing the rain and became more aware of life’s endless possibilities. I eventually had to take notice of the rain again because as I was contemplating life’s endless possibilities on cloud nine, I was getting soaked by real clouds without numbers.

This is why I keep a small umbrella stashed away in my truck, tucked neatly between the road atlas that is so old it probably lists everything west of the Mississippi River as “Injun Country” and a first-aid kit full of 30 different variations of Band-Aids in case I see a hitchhiker with a hangnail.

On the first rainy day of orientation, I arrived at the shuttle stop to find several individuals getting soaked (because of their lack of umbrellas or foresight, or both.) Without thinking much about it, I offered them protection under my very small umbrella. I was surprised when they all quickly declined my invitation.

If it were my wife, a family member, a friend, or if I were more attractive there would be no apprehension about violating each other’s personal space. However, because these people did not know me, they preferred to get pneumonia.

I initially thought it was ridiculous that these folks would not snuggle with me under my umbrella. They had no reason to fear me, so I assume they all must have smelled bad and were embarrassed about it. I began to ponder the few situations where I would not join someone under their umbrella, and have listed them below:

(clockwise, from top left) George W., Osama Bin Laden, Captain Hook, Voldemort, a Velociraptor, and Rihanna (ella,ella, ey, ey, ey)

Instead of letting it hurt my feelings, I developed a Good Idea to solve the problem.

The “Umbrell-awkward”

With a few simple adjustments, a regular umbrella can be transformed from a self-serving device into a community-oriented instrument of goodwill. I believe that umbrellas were meant to be shared, or else everyone would just wear ponchos.

For too long, people who forgot their umbrellas believed they only had two options:

1. Partaking in a Potentially Uncomfortable Situation

She smelled like shampoo, mmmmmm

2. Getting Soaked

Unprepared=Wet underwear all day

Every great spiritual leader from Buddha to Jesus to Gandhi to Confucius taught in great depth about the importance of giving one’s neighbor the shirt off of one’s back. I say why not keep my neighbor’s shirt dry in the first place with an “Umbrell-awkward,” the umbrella with retractable extensions hidden inside?

Step 1: Find someone without an umbrella, and tell them you have an "umbrell-awkward"
Step 2: Un-clip
Step Three: Unroll to reveal extra handle
Step 4: Pull handle to extend
Step 5: Offer handle to stranger with no umbrella. (Extensions come in various lengths, depending on how creepy the stranger appears)

 I look forward to a time when we can all wake up, see it is raining outside and smile in anticipation of who we will get to meet underneath our umbrella that day (at a comfortably safe distance.)

As for right now, I am going to go stand at the bus stop by my house because it is raining, and I see a lot of angry-looking people waiting for the bus (probably because they forgot their umbrellas!)

6 thoughts on “New Job? Make it Rain!

Add yours

  1. David,

    You are probably the only person who got that reference, and most likely the last. Well done! I always appreciate another huge muppet fan/historian.

    As for your other questions:
    1.I still have no idea
    2.See #1

    Love, John G

  2. Awesome idea!! Could you imagine how cool it would have been if Gene Kelley would have had an umbrell-awkward when he danced that number in Singin’ in the Rain? He could have invited Ginger Rogers, or Fred Astaire or Jennifer Lopez to dance with him!!!!! Or any other person walking along the street!!!!!

  3. So, John G,

    I love the reference to “Raindrops keep falling on my head.” I think the Kermit the Frog version is by far the best ever recorded. Which begs me to ask, how many people noticed this reference in order to appreciate your great humor. And also, How in the hell, did you get a beautiful woman to 1. stand so close to you under an umbrella, and 2. agree to completely drench herself with what I can only assume is a bucket of water over the head?

  4. Ted,

    Just for clarification, that is a section I cut out of a wrinkled black poncho. Regardless, you are free to use my Good Ideas to get rich as long as you are doing good things for people with your wealth (like buying me a Ferrari).

    Much Love,
    John G

  5. Awesome article. I may take the umbrella extension idea and use it to create a better form to withstand the rain + wind, contrary to the trash bag on your wife!

Leave a Reply!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Create a website or blog at

Up ↑