Tag Archives: humorous invention

Are You In The No?

16 Sep

An Important Lesson

This summer was the busiest I have ever experienced, and with only a few days of summer left I am surprisingly indifferent about the conclusion of the season. This is in stark contrast to the deep depression I used to feel in the last days of summer when I was in school. Unlike most kids, I cried before the first day of school until I graduated high school.

I did not hate school; I simply felt the loss of freedom in a visceral way, and also was a huge pansy who cried a lot. My mom always comforted me by saying that I was the most sensitive of her four sons. Now I believe my mom just really wanted a girl (which might also explain why I always had long hair and I ended up as a nurse.)

I actually became a really good student after my teacher in the third grade pulled me out of class, leaned over to my eye level and said “John, you are a really funny boy, but there is a time and a place for your witty humor, and it is not during class.”

Her message stuck with me, but what stuck with me more was when she bent over I could see her entire bra through the sagging neckline of her dress. As I respectfully listened to my teacher lecture me about appropriate timing of humor, I was also thinking about who I would or would not tell about her bra.

This was a defining moment in my life because I learned that we all need to follow some rules (especially those based on respect for others), but for many rules, we can just act like we are following them, but actually be staring at their bras.

Sign Sign, Everywhere A Sign

I recently noticed just how many signs there are in this world instructing us to do one thing, or not do another. It amazes me how many of these signs are completely obvious and a ridiculous waste of space/time/money.

My friend Matt took this picture. (The other side does not say Sidewalk Begins)

Over the years one particular sign has proven especially troublesome for me, and essentially everyone I know.

Every event that we attend, from baseball games to concerts to festivals to picnics in the park, has these signs that force us to spend some exorbitant amount of money on a beer.

$8.75 should buy a pair of pants, not a twelve ounce light beer (I’ll rant about how expensive pants have become some other time.)

To stick it to the man in this regard would require illegal activities such as sneaking alcohol into events, which Good Idea John G does not in any way condone. However I had a Good Idea to turn these signs into an entrepreneurial opportunity, and thus have created my own alcohol company. I call it NO.

No longer will this sign be a deterrent, but instead it will be an invitation to bring all of your NO brand alcoholic beverages anywhere this sign, or the many more like it, is present:

It is free advertising, and I officially have a monopoly on the market now. I have built-in locations already available to sell my NO products.

Clubs, bars, and restaurants have probably already been lining up to exclusively sell our NO products.

I have even started working on No brand merchandise such as this Halloween costume:

The best thing about NO brand alcoholic beverages is that the people who enforce the letter of the law so much and snidely say things like “can’t you read the sign?” will be powerless. If anyone tries to confiscate my NO brand alcoholic beverages, I’ll say, “I’m sorry sir, can’t you read the sign?”

***A few days after I posted this blog, a reader sent me this sign and pointed out that signs like this one would create a huge legal problem for my NO brand alcohol company:

I told him that all we have to do is post this picture under each of these signs and we are good to go:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Good Idea John G!

7 Feb

When I saw that I had received a card in the mail today, I got excited like I used to when I was little. Then again, every letter I got in the mail when I was young either contained a birthday card full of cash, or a report card full of brilliant gems from my teachers, like “John G has trouble paying attention during math class.” 

When I am a dad, I am going to write honest responses to my kid’s teachers like “that’s because you are boring” or “not everyone enjoys math like you do, you big smelly dork.” Then my kids will think I am cool (or they will get taken away.)  

For a brief moment when I saw the card today, I thought someone may have remembered my anniversary. Not the anniversary of my marriage, or that of my birth in August, but the anniversary of the day I posted my first Good Idea on GoodIdeaJohnG.com.

Much to my chagrin, it was just a nicely dressed advertisement. I briefly wallowed in self-defeat, a vaguely familiar feeling that I had not experienced since second grade coach-pitch baseball, when I was hit by a pitch two times in one game, by the other team’s coach.

It is not that I expected people to send me cards, gifts, or a cake to celebrate, but I had secretly hoped that they would. However, unlike that coach-pitch baseball game, I am not going to run home crying and never play baseball again. I have decided to celebrate my anniversary by giving my loyal readers updates on some of my favorite Past Good Ideas:

Good Vibrations

Count one for the old school! My vibrating football game correctly predicted the Super Bowl’s victor, as well as contained a few other eerie parallels. Take that, technology!

Successfully Predicted:

1.The entrance song while the two teams ran out of the tunnels was the same as in my video! (I’m still creeped out by this one…) 

2.The key Steelers fumble, recovered by the Packers

3. The Black Eyed Peas were completely terrible!

4. The Packers kicked a field goal at the very end of the game

Things my vibrating football game did not predict:

1. Christina Aguilera’s fumble (of the national anthem’s words)

2. Me losing all respect for Slash and Usher

3. Heinz Ward unfortunately did not get attacked by a tiger, although there is still time

Licensed to Kill Time 

Bow-hunting season ended this weekend for my brother and I without any deer taken. However we both considered it a successful hunting season for different reasons. My brother said that he was excited that he saw a lot of fresh deer poop, and where there is poop there are deer, which would inevitably lead to successful hunts in the Spring. I found success in knowing that no matter what path my life takes, I will never be excited to see poop. But then again, I have never been severely constipated.   

  

A Good Idea Christmas Tale!

Because this Good Idea first rhymed, the update should rhyme too (about the wrapping paper made of envelopes and glue.)

This paper stirred up quite a fuss, when given to my friends. Most people tried to save it up, to use it all again!

Alas, the presents it contained were quickly set aside (and thinking of the cash I spent, something in me died) 

Instead of buying presents for next year’s Christmas time, I’ll just wrap up my junk mail, and will not spend a dime!   

Mo Money, Mo ‘Stache, Less Problems

Believe it or not, my goal during the month of November was not to prove that I look weird with a mustache, even though I proved this unequivocally. My ultimate goal was for people to pledge money to my mustache, in a similar way that people would pledge money if I were running a 10k for charity. Unlike a 10k run, which would net me zero dollars because I would not even make it 1k, this venture was very fulfilling. At the end of the month, thanks to my generous friends and family who donated, I had raised hundreds of dollars for prostate cancer research.

I also came to understand how some people, such as the cashier lady at CVS, can become attached to their mustaches in a very powerful way. Unfortunately my wife did not feel the same attachment.

  

Deck out the Halloween

Facebook Profile

 After hundreds of votes came in, the Facebook Profile costume won by landslide! I excitedly wore it into the first party and quickly realized that no one got it (as I suspected, the people who read my blog are smarter than everyone else.) I also quickly realized that trying to keep my head centered in the picture was causing my neck to spasm, so I dejectedly took the winning costume off.

These are my late grandfather's gloves. He was proud of his right to bear arms.

 

 Ironically, my brother borrowed the Second Amendment costume (the right to bear arms) and received huge laughs and kudos all night.

  

  

  

  

  

  

My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Newman’s Own 

 

Planet

Who Dey watching Animal Planet

 

I got my first-ever negative response from a reader on this post. He claimed that my self-sifting litter box was too difficult to make, and said that bags existed that could do the same thing in a much easier fashion. I was blown away that 1.someone actually tried to make this Good Idea, and 2. someone took my blog seriously enough to write a negative comment. Furthermore, I wonder what he was searching on Google to come across my blog about cat poop?

 

 Awards and Recognition

I appreciate everyone who has read along thus far, and thereby helped GoodIdeaJohnG.com receive the highest rating (a Wow! rating) from WordPress.com!

This is actually not a joke, GoodIdeaJohnG.com got the highest rating possible from WordPress.com (although I still have no idea what that means...)

I also decided to start a yearly tradition by awarding one extraordinary person who assisted me with some aspect of my blog with what will be called the Good Idea John G! Honorary Creator of Excellence in the Field of Questionably Brilliant Ideas Award (or the GIJGHCXFQBI award).

2011 GIJGHCXFQB award, from "Tumble Dry Low"

This year’s nominees are:

1st nominee: Cousin Anne, for purchasing Photoshop for me even though I am terrified of it

2nd nominee: Freddie G, for his Good Idea to shoot deer in his back yard, regardless of how illegal that is

3rd nominee: Robby R, for first using the acronym GIJG instead of typing Good Idea John G, to save time

4th nominee: Jon B, for his James Earl Jones-esque voice in what has become my most successful blog post.

5th nominee: Chris M, for recommending that I charge subscription fees, even though he probably would be the only one to pay them.

This year’s winner of the GIJGHCXFQBI Award is………….. Jon B!!! Congratulations to Jon B, and thank you to all the other nominees!

Last but not least, because no one felt compelled to celebrate my site’s milestone anniversary, I had the Good Idea to use this award I found at Goodwill to commemorate this day. Then I celebrated my site’s anniversary by paying the $17 renewal fee to keep GoodIdeaJohnG.com going for another year, in hopes that next year someone will remember my anniversary (or hopefully by then, one of my ideas will have made me rich…)

Certificate of Excellence in life, awarded to John G (by John G)

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