Tag Archives: humorous blog

Happy Birthday, Good Idea John G!

7 Feb

When I saw that I had received a card in the mail today, I got excited like I used to when I was little. Then again, every letter I got in the mail when I was young either contained a birthday card full of cash, or a report card full of brilliant gems from my teachers, like “John G has trouble paying attention during math class.” 

When I am a dad, I am going to write honest responses to my kid’s teachers like “that’s because you are boring” or “not everyone enjoys math like you do, you big smelly dork.” Then my kids will think I am cool (or they will get taken away.)  

For a brief moment when I saw the card today, I thought someone may have remembered my anniversary. Not the anniversary of my marriage, or that of my birth in August, but the anniversary of the day I posted my first Good Idea on GoodIdeaJohnG.com.

Much to my chagrin, it was just a nicely dressed advertisement. I briefly wallowed in self-defeat, a vaguely familiar feeling that I had not experienced since second grade coach-pitch baseball, when I was hit by a pitch two times in one game, by the other team’s coach.

It is not that I expected people to send me cards, gifts, or a cake to celebrate, but I had secretly hoped that they would. However, unlike that coach-pitch baseball game, I am not going to run home crying and never play baseball again. I have decided to celebrate my anniversary by giving my loyal readers updates on some of my favorite Past Good Ideas:

Good Vibrations

Count one for the old school! My vibrating football game correctly predicted the Super Bowl’s victor, as well as contained a few other eerie parallels. Take that, technology!

Successfully Predicted:

1.The entrance song while the two teams ran out of the tunnels was the same as in my video! (I’m still creeped out by this one…) 

2.The key Steelers fumble, recovered by the Packers

3. The Black Eyed Peas were completely terrible!

4. The Packers kicked a field goal at the very end of the game

Things my vibrating football game did not predict:

1. Christina Aguilera’s fumble (of the national anthem’s words)

2. Me losing all respect for Slash and Usher

3. Heinz Ward unfortunately did not get attacked by a tiger, although there is still time

Licensed to Kill Time 

Bow-hunting season ended this weekend for my brother and I without any deer taken. However we both considered it a successful hunting season for different reasons. My brother said that he was excited that he saw a lot of fresh deer poop, and where there is poop there are deer, which would inevitably lead to successful hunts in the Spring. I found success in knowing that no matter what path my life takes, I will never be excited to see poop. But then again, I have never been severely constipated.   

  

A Good Idea Christmas Tale!

Because this Good Idea first rhymed, the update should rhyme too (about the wrapping paper made of envelopes and glue.)

This paper stirred up quite a fuss, when given to my friends. Most people tried to save it up, to use it all again!

Alas, the presents it contained were quickly set aside (and thinking of the cash I spent, something in me died) 

Instead of buying presents for next year’s Christmas time, I’ll just wrap up my junk mail, and will not spend a dime!   

Mo Money, Mo ‘Stache, Less Problems

Believe it or not, my goal during the month of November was not to prove that I look weird with a mustache, even though I proved this unequivocally. My ultimate goal was for people to pledge money to my mustache, in a similar way that people would pledge money if I were running a 10k for charity. Unlike a 10k run, which would net me zero dollars because I would not even make it 1k, this venture was very fulfilling. At the end of the month, thanks to my generous friends and family who donated, I had raised hundreds of dollars for prostate cancer research.

I also came to understand how some people, such as the cashier lady at CVS, can become attached to their mustaches in a very powerful way. Unfortunately my wife did not feel the same attachment.

  

Deck out the Halloween

Facebook Profile

 After hundreds of votes came in, the Facebook Profile costume won by landslide! I excitedly wore it into the first party and quickly realized that no one got it (as I suspected, the people who read my blog are smarter than everyone else.) I also quickly realized that trying to keep my head centered in the picture was causing my neck to spasm, so I dejectedly took the winning costume off.

These are my late grandfather's gloves. He was proud of his right to bear arms.

 

 Ironically, my brother borrowed the Second Amendment costume (the right to bear arms) and received huge laughs and kudos all night.

  

  

  

  

  

  

My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Newman’s Own 

 

Planet

Who Dey watching Animal Planet

 

I got my first-ever negative response from a reader on this post. He claimed that my self-sifting litter box was too difficult to make, and said that bags existed that could do the same thing in a much easier fashion. I was blown away that 1.someone actually tried to make this Good Idea, and 2. someone took my blog seriously enough to write a negative comment. Furthermore, I wonder what he was searching on Google to come across my blog about cat poop?

 

 Awards and Recognition

I appreciate everyone who has read along thus far, and thereby helped GoodIdeaJohnG.com receive the highest rating (a Wow! rating) from WordPress.com!

This is actually not a joke, GoodIdeaJohnG.com got the highest rating possible from WordPress.com (although I still have no idea what that means...)

I also decided to start a yearly tradition by awarding one extraordinary person who assisted me with some aspect of my blog with what will be called the Good Idea John G! Honorary Creator of Excellence in the Field of Questionably Brilliant Ideas Award (or the GIJGHCXFQBI award).

2011 GIJGHCXFQB award, from "Tumble Dry Low"

This year’s nominees are:

1st nominee: Cousin Anne, for purchasing Photoshop for me even though I am terrified of it

2nd nominee: Freddie G, for his Good Idea to shoot deer in his back yard, regardless of how illegal that is

3rd nominee: Robby R, for first using the acronym GIJG instead of typing Good Idea John G, to save time

4th nominee: Jon B, for his James Earl Jones-esque voice in what has become my most successful blog post.

5th nominee: Chris M, for recommending that I charge subscription fees, even though he probably would be the only one to pay them.

This year’s winner of the GIJGHCXFQBI Award is………….. Jon B!!! Congratulations to Jon B, and thank you to all the other nominees!

Last but not least, because no one felt compelled to celebrate my site’s milestone anniversary, I had the Good Idea to use this award I found at Goodwill to commemorate this day. Then I celebrated my site’s anniversary by paying the $17 renewal fee to keep GoodIdeaJohnG.com going for another year, in hopes that next year someone will remember my anniversary (or hopefully by then, one of my ideas will have made me rich…)

Certificate of Excellence in life, awarded to John G (by John G)

Tumble Dry Low

30 Jul

Succesful marriage   

With dismal news about the state of our nation’s marriages constantly bombarding us from all angles, it relieved me to read an article in Time magazine that had a positive outlook on marriage. The article attempted to disprove marriage related rumors, such as one I’ve heard (and probably spouted as “fact”) several times, which is that more than 50% of current marriages will end in divorce. The article stated that this is only true for people older than 65.   

It took me a while to wrap my brain around these stats, and then I realized that “over 65”  includes people in their hundreds. How many couples make it to age 100 and then decide that it just isn’t going to work out? How many people over 65 have been counted more than once because they both forgot they were divorced and went to get another divorce? When two 110-year-olds get divorced, who gets to keep all the expired can goods in their pantry?      

If divorce is what two people decide is necessary, it probably is the right thing to do. There are some things that cannot be worked out between two people, even with lots of time and effort. However, laundry is not one of them.   

    

The Laundry Correlations   

I have noticed over the past two years of marriage that however many hundreds of times I do laundry, I still manage to ruin something every time. Whether it be by leaving a pen in my pocket or not realizing my wife’s cashmere sweater was hidden, bundled within a pair of jeans, I always make the difficult discovery while I’m folding the laundry (which I still don’t know how to do correctly). I learned the hard way not to ask my wife why she even throws her “hand wash only” or “dry clean only” clothes in the laundry hamper (Doesn’t “laundry” mean “to be laundered?”)     

Since graduating college, I have developed a new system of doing laundry. I used to cram everything I owned into the washer, then switch it to the dryer when it was done (preferably before it started to smell like an old sponge.) I’d run the dryer a few times to make sure everything dried for the most part, then I’d put it in a basket in my room until I needed it. Nowadays, to make sure I don’t screw up, I have to thoroughly inspect every item for pocket contents, washing instructions,  detergent instructions, drying instructions, fabric softener regulations, and post-drying instructions. One load takes me 20 minutes to put into the washer, while in college my whole wardrobe took 3 minutes tops, and I’d make a hot pocket in the middle of it.   

I have noticed a correlation between the cost of the shirt and the amount of work it takes to clean. Every item in my wardrobe can be washed all at once, in cold or hot water, with any detergent (or suave shampoo for all I care.) I’ve never spent more than 10$ on anything in my wardrobe thanks to GoodWill and Target clearance. My wife’s wardrobe includes a mixture of clothes that say “turn inside out before washing,” “remove from washer immediately, light iron on low heat”,”dry clean only,” and “hand wash only.” Why are clothes the only amenity that we spend more for less convenience? It is the equivalent of paying an extra few thousand dollars for a car so that it won’t start in cold weather.   

On top of these complicated instructions, every clothing brand in my wife’s wardrobe has selected a different location for the tag that contains the cleaning instructions. By the second wash, these tags have rolled up into the seam, hiding from me so that I’ll get frustrated and just throw the clothing into the washer, only to find out that I just ruined the last pink long-sleeve v-neck that JCrew will ever make. I can tell these clothes are softer than mine, and fit better than mine, and look better than mine, and match other clothes, but I would lose sleep if at any moment the slightest change in temperature or weather could ruin my entire wardrobe.     

I believe I have ruined a couple of my wife’s shirts, and for that, I am sorry. The good news is that she cannot ever say anything to me again about being careless when doing laundry. This is because a few months ago, she dumped what she thought was a basket of my laundry into the washer without looking at it, and ended up sending my melodica among other non-laundry items through the wash. For those of you who cannot appreciate this, here is a picture of my melodica:   

Not exactly inconspicuous...

 

To ensure that my wife and I continue our wedded bliss well over 100 years, I needed a Good Idea that would potentially save lots of unneccessary bickering about this laundry enigma (and because telling my wife that the only other people who hand wash their clothes live in huts next to rivers didn’t smooth things out like I thought it would).    

Tumble Dry Low   

My Good Idea was to create a brand of clothing based on current popular trends, while incorporating the cleaning instructions into the design of each item. For example, everyone recognizes the Ralph Lauren Polo logo and associates it with high quality clothing. Every logo or brand is arbitrarily selected, and therefore my idea could very well solve the laundry problem. Here are my designs:   

1. Basic Collared Shirt   

Now I don't have to rip the tags out, leaving a tag-sized hole

 

 2. Graphic Tee   

Is your shirt sweaty from a night of UFC fighting? Just follow the directions on the shirt, and you'll be wearing your favorite musical instrument and skeleton shirt again in no time!

 

3. Baby Outfit   

A lot of people don't know that baby detergent exists, and regular detergent can hurt babies! This will ensure your child's safety and style!

 

4. Underwear   

This wasn't funny, but it gave me a funny idea

 

 5. A Good Idea I had for GAP underwear   

Fall into the Gap...at your own risk

 

 All in all, I am very happy with my Tumble Dry Low line. In the future, I plan on making a “Dry Clean Only” line so people can show off that they not only bought an expensive shirt, but they have to spend more money every time they wear it. Someday when I’m rich from one of my Good Ideas taking off, I’m not going to have to worry about doing laundry at all. This is not because I’ll only wear my clothes once then throw them away, or because I’ll pay someone to do my laundry, but because I’m rich and I don’t care if I smell bad.

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