Tag Archives: good idea

Diarrhea Fashion

10 Aug

Typically the entrance into fatherhood does not take people by surprise who are not on Jerry Springer. Occasionally in Hollywood films a man will discover that he unknowingly fathered a son many years before, and happens to be pointing a gun at or holding an axe above this son’s head when he finds out the news. In other words new fathers have time to prepare. But just the same, as much as one prepares for fatherhood, there is really no way of being prepared for fatherhood.

From the very beginning of a child’s life the surprises start coming one after another. The act of birth itself is so surprising that many fathers are introduced to fatherhood from a face-down-on-the-delivery-room-floor position. For anyone who has not watched the miracle of a live birth, line your floor with pillows and then Google it.

I could write volumes about how life-changing and incredible my own personal experiences with fatherhood have been thus far, but then this blog would read more like a personal diary. I believe parenthood is just so different for everyone that it is best left to experience; in my opinion reading about it does not do it justice. So instead of writing about my daughter in a diary fashion, I am going to write about a Good Idea inspired by my daughter, called diarrhea fashion. First things first, here is my lovely daughter:

She's a cheeky monkey.

She’s a cheeky monkey

Some readers may recall that I made a promise years ago that I would never again write about poop. Then I had a daughter, and along with changing my life she has changed my mind about writing about poop (and this is not because my daughter only looks like me when she is pooping).

Babies are like the book “Eat, Pray, Love” except it would be titled “Eat, Cry, Poop, Sleep.” And it does not necessarily happen in that order. It can be more like “Eat, Cry, Poop, Cry, Eat, Poop, Cry, Sleep, Cry, Cry, Cry, Poop, Sleep, Cry.”  And this process usually begins at 4am.

As my daughter grows I have noticed that even though the diapers get bigger, she still manages to have what most parents of babies call ‘blow outs’; where the amount of poop produced in one face-color-changing push cannot be contained by the diaper, subsequently ruining her outfit permanently because baby poop apparently has the same chemical makeup as a yellow permanent marker.

Here is the face:

This is usually followed by the same face, just purple.

This face is usually followed by the same face, just purple.

And here is the resulting damage:

These have already been washed, twice.

These outfits have already been rinsed, scrubbed, and washed… twice.

People without babies will ask “why not just throw it in the wash really quickly so it doesn’t set in?”

To them I say “bite me.” If I had time to do a quick load of laundry, I would also have had time to take a shower, mow my lawn, and write a ‘new baby’ blog before my daughter was 3 months old. At this rate our baby announcements are going to be a picture of our daughter’s high school graduation.

The problem seems to be that when a baby is brand new they are extremely time-consuming. Then as they get older and start to have personalities, it is hard not to play with them when they are awake and not crying, sleeping, or pooping. This results in not being very productive, and definitely not doing quick loads of laundry.

I had a Good Idea to solve this problem called Diarrhea Fashion.

It's cute and disposable!

It’s cute and disposable!

By constructing outfits out of adult-sized diapers parents can enjoy the dual benefits of a cute baby and a disposable outfit! No more will pooping up their entire back ruin the outfit and the blanket the baby is laying on.

Any cheesy saying can be included on the front.

Any cheesy saying can be included on the front.

The only drawback of the current design was that my model was not cooperating. Now I know how all the designers in New York feel.

Diarrhea fashion model

Her face looks so pensive because she was literally using the product at this precise moment.

While the outfits are not as cute as baby Gap or Carter’s, they serve a purpose that our daughter seems to be needing more and more as she grows (and eats more and more). It may look odd now, but if new parents everywhere agreed to dress our babies in Diarrhea Fashion, we would all save money in the end (and also I would make a lot of money in the end). Anyone interested in buying from the Diarrhea Fashion line, please leave your order in the comments, and I will get back to you sometime within 18 years.

Rainbow Emi

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Happy Birthday, Good Idea John G!

7 Feb

When I saw that I had received a card in the mail today, I got excited like I used to when I was little. Then again, every letter I got in the mail when I was young either contained a birthday card full of cash, or a report card full of brilliant gems from my teachers, like “John G has trouble paying attention during math class.” 

When I am a dad, I am going to write honest responses to my kid’s teachers like “that’s because you are boring” or “not everyone enjoys math like you do, you big smelly dork.” Then my kids will think I am cool (or they will get taken away.)  

For a brief moment when I saw the card today, I thought someone may have remembered my anniversary. Not the anniversary of my marriage, or that of my birth in August, but the anniversary of the day I posted my first Good Idea on GoodIdeaJohnG.com.

Much to my chagrin, it was just a nicely dressed advertisement. I briefly wallowed in self-defeat, a vaguely familiar feeling that I had not experienced since second grade coach-pitch baseball, when I was hit by a pitch two times in one game, by the other team’s coach.

It is not that I expected people to send me cards, gifts, or a cake to celebrate, but I had secretly hoped that they would. However, unlike that coach-pitch baseball game, I am not going to run home crying and never play baseball again. I have decided to celebrate my anniversary by giving my loyal readers updates on some of my favorite Past Good Ideas:

Good Vibrations

Count one for the old school! My vibrating football game correctly predicted the Super Bowl’s victor, as well as contained a few other eerie parallels. Take that, technology!

Successfully Predicted:

1.The entrance song while the two teams ran out of the tunnels was the same as in my video! (I’m still creeped out by this one…) 

2.The key Steelers fumble, recovered by the Packers

3. The Black Eyed Peas were completely terrible!

4. The Packers kicked a field goal at the very end of the game

Things my vibrating football game did not predict:

1. Christina Aguilera’s fumble (of the national anthem’s words)

2. Me losing all respect for Slash and Usher

3. Heinz Ward unfortunately did not get attacked by a tiger, although there is still time

Licensed to Kill Time 

Bow-hunting season ended this weekend for my brother and I without any deer taken. However we both considered it a successful hunting season for different reasons. My brother said that he was excited that he saw a lot of fresh deer poop, and where there is poop there are deer, which would inevitably lead to successful hunts in the Spring. I found success in knowing that no matter what path my life takes, I will never be excited to see poop. But then again, I have never been severely constipated.   

  

A Good Idea Christmas Tale!

Because this Good Idea first rhymed, the update should rhyme too (about the wrapping paper made of envelopes and glue.)

This paper stirred up quite a fuss, when given to my friends. Most people tried to save it up, to use it all again!

Alas, the presents it contained were quickly set aside (and thinking of the cash I spent, something in me died) 

Instead of buying presents for next year’s Christmas time, I’ll just wrap up my junk mail, and will not spend a dime!   

Mo Money, Mo ‘Stache, Less Problems

Believe it or not, my goal during the month of November was not to prove that I look weird with a mustache, even though I proved this unequivocally. My ultimate goal was for people to pledge money to my mustache, in a similar way that people would pledge money if I were running a 10k for charity. Unlike a 10k run, which would net me zero dollars because I would not even make it 1k, this venture was very fulfilling. At the end of the month, thanks to my generous friends and family who donated, I had raised hundreds of dollars for prostate cancer research.

I also came to understand how some people, such as the cashier lady at CVS, can become attached to their mustaches in a very powerful way. Unfortunately my wife did not feel the same attachment.

  

Deck out the Halloween

Facebook Profile

 After hundreds of votes came in, the Facebook Profile costume won by landslide! I excitedly wore it into the first party and quickly realized that no one got it (as I suspected, the people who read my blog are smarter than everyone else.) I also quickly realized that trying to keep my head centered in the picture was causing my neck to spasm, so I dejectedly took the winning costume off.

These are my late grandfather's gloves. He was proud of his right to bear arms.

 

 Ironically, my brother borrowed the Second Amendment costume (the right to bear arms) and received huge laughs and kudos all night.

  

  

  

  

  

  

My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Newman’s Own 

 

Planet

Who Dey watching Animal Planet

 

I got my first-ever negative response from a reader on this post. He claimed that my self-sifting litter box was too difficult to make, and said that bags existed that could do the same thing in a much easier fashion. I was blown away that 1.someone actually tried to make this Good Idea, and 2. someone took my blog seriously enough to write a negative comment. Furthermore, I wonder what he was searching on Google to come across my blog about cat poop?

 

 Awards and Recognition

I appreciate everyone who has read along thus far, and thereby helped GoodIdeaJohnG.com receive the highest rating (a Wow! rating) from WordPress.com!

This is actually not a joke, GoodIdeaJohnG.com got the highest rating possible from WordPress.com (although I still have no idea what that means...)

I also decided to start a yearly tradition by awarding one extraordinary person who assisted me with some aspect of my blog with what will be called the Good Idea John G! Honorary Creator of Excellence in the Field of Questionably Brilliant Ideas Award (or the GIJGHCXFQBI award).

2011 GIJGHCXFQB award, from "Tumble Dry Low"

This year’s nominees are:

1st nominee: Cousin Anne, for purchasing Photoshop for me even though I am terrified of it

2nd nominee: Freddie G, for his Good Idea to shoot deer in his back yard, regardless of how illegal that is

3rd nominee: Robby R, for first using the acronym GIJG instead of typing Good Idea John G, to save time

4th nominee: Jon B, for his James Earl Jones-esque voice in what has become my most successful blog post.

5th nominee: Chris M, for recommending that I charge subscription fees, even though he probably would be the only one to pay them.

This year’s winner of the GIJGHCXFQBI Award is………….. Jon B!!! Congratulations to Jon B, and thank you to all the other nominees!

Last but not least, because no one felt compelled to celebrate my site’s milestone anniversary, I had the Good Idea to use this award I found at Goodwill to commemorate this day. Then I celebrated my site’s anniversary by paying the $17 renewal fee to keep GoodIdeaJohnG.com going for another year, in hopes that next year someone will remember my anniversary (or hopefully by then, one of my ideas will have made me rich…)

Certificate of Excellence in life, awarded to John G (by John G)

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