Tag Archives: Funny inventions

Are You In The No?

16 Sep

An Important Lesson

This summer was the busiest I have ever experienced, and with only a few days of summer left I am surprisingly indifferent about the conclusion of the season. This is in stark contrast to the deep depression I used to feel in the last days of summer when I was in school. Unlike most kids, I cried before the first day of school until I graduated high school.

I did not hate school; I simply felt the loss of freedom in a visceral way, and also was a huge pansy who cried a lot. My mom always comforted me by saying that I was the most sensitive of her four sons. Now I believe my mom just really wanted a girl (which might also explain why I always had long hair and I ended up as a nurse.)

I actually became a really good student after my teacher in the third grade pulled me out of class, leaned over to my eye level and said “John, you are a really funny boy, but there is a time and a place for your witty humor, and it is not during class.”

Her message stuck with me, but what stuck with me more was when she bent over I could see her entire bra through the sagging neckline of her dress. As I respectfully listened to my teacher lecture me about appropriate timing of humor, I was also thinking about who I would or would not tell about her bra.

This was a defining moment in my life because I learned that we all need to follow some rules (especially those based on respect for others), but for many rules, we can just act like we are following them, but actually be staring at their bras.

Sign Sign, Everywhere A Sign

I recently noticed just how many signs there are in this world instructing us to do one thing, or not do another. It amazes me how many of these signs are completely obvious and a ridiculous waste of space/time/money.

My friend Matt took this picture. (The other side does not say Sidewalk Begins)

Over the years one particular sign has proven especially troublesome for me, and essentially everyone I know.

Every event that we attend, from baseball games to concerts to festivals to picnics in the park, has these signs that force us to spend some exorbitant amount of money on a beer.

$8.75 should buy a pair of pants, not a twelve ounce light beer (I’ll rant about how expensive pants have become some other time.)

To stick it to the man in this regard would require illegal activities such as sneaking alcohol into events, which Good Idea John G does not in any way condone. However I had a Good Idea to turn these signs into an entrepreneurial opportunity, and thus have created my own alcohol company. I call it NO.

No longer will this sign be a deterrent, but instead it will be an invitation to bring all of your NO brand alcoholic beverages anywhere this sign, or the many more like it, is present:

It is free advertising, and I officially have a monopoly on the market now. I have built-in locations already available to sell my NO products.

Clubs, bars, and restaurants have probably already been lining up to exclusively sell our NO products.

I have even started working on No brand merchandise such as this Halloween costume:

The best thing about NO brand alcoholic beverages is that the people who enforce the letter of the law so much and snidely say things like “can’t you read the sign?” will be powerless. If anyone tries to confiscate my NO brand alcoholic beverages, I’ll say, “I’m sorry sir, can’t you read the sign?”

***A few days after I posted this blog, a reader sent me this sign and pointed out that signs like this one would create a huge legal problem for my NO brand alcohol company:

I told him that all we have to do is post this picture under each of these signs and we are good to go:











26 Apr

I have only just recently become self-conscious about my appearance. I believe this is supposed to happen during puberty, but I have not had another voice change or mysterious hair growth as of yet.

I have never shied away from attention, but my favorite shirt has dinosaurs on it  because I like dinosaurs, not attention. In other words, clothes are not the source of my self-consciousness.

I suspect that my new job is mostly to blame, considering there are 5 males and 175 female nurses on the neonatal intensive care unit. The last time I witnessed numbers this lopsided was the Nascar race I attended in Tennessee, except I was part of the minority because I had all of my teeth.

Nascar races are entertaining. People watching at Nascar races is life-changing

 Most guys hear these numbers and think “whoa, awesome odds!” Sadly, it is about as awesome as attending a baby shower three times a week.

Prior to this job I was unaware that a conversation about shampoo could go on for longer than 2 minutes, much less through an entire 30 minute lunch break, and then start again two days later with the same fervor.

The amount of conversations about make-up, skin-care products, lip gloss and moisturizer are overwhelming and would normally make me feel relieved that I am not a female. But for some reason I have become acutely aware that my shampoo only costs $1.00 per bottle.

I asked my wife how much her shampoo costs, like a child seeking reassurance after getting a swirly at school, and I was not entirely surprised to hear that each bottle of her shampoo costs around $15. This did not sound incredibly outrageous until I realized that she uses conditioner, body wash, face wash and shampoo, and has a lot more hair on her head to clean than I do.

I became worried that perhaps I am the only person who  just uses shampoo and body wash (or sometimes just shampoo if I put too much on, or am out of body wash.)

With some gentle coaxing, my wife revealed that her last bill for hair care products was $60 (and defended herself by saying she bought the large bottles of shampoo because it was a better deal.) I happen to think $1.00 per bottle is a better deal, but I have never been great at math or economics.

I played with the numbers and found that for $60, I could buy 11 gallons of my shampoo; enough to wash all the orphans of the world. The big question remained: Is her shampoo worth the extra money?

Poo-Pooing the Shampoo Sham

To find out if expensive shampoo is indeed a scam, I secretly started using my wife’s shampoo. Aside from smelling like my wife all day, I did not notice any difference over the span of a couple of weeks.

Although it claimed to offer more shine, volume, and bounce (words that I had never thought to use to describe my hair,) I definitely never witnessed my hair shining or bouncing.

I began to wonder if women look at each other’s hair to see if it bounces. And if that is the case, why don’t more women use pogo sticks or moon boots to get around?

Notice the shine and bounce? (This pogo stick was less than $60)

In all honesty, I was using my wife’s shampoo because I was out of my shampoo and kept forgetting to pick some up from Target (because shampoo is not something I think about on a regular basis, and I only go to Target to get shampoo, cat litter, and christmas lights.)

In other words, I had filled my empty shampoo bottle with water and shook it to create a lather with the last bit of shampoo left on the sides of the bottle enough times so that it was not sufficient to clean my hair anymore.

Instead of continuing to waste my wife’s expensive shampoo on my thinning, unkempt hair, I had a Good Idea to save money on shampoo, while concurrently getting the important benefits of the $60 shiny,voluminous, bouncy shampoo.

I created a simple device to dispense a very small amount of shampoo into a separate bottle, so that when filled with water and shaken, a lather is created to wash the hair. Like all soaps, the benefit of shampoo is in the lather/bubbles, and using this device allows a bottle of shampoo to last 100 times as long while achieving the same goal!

I gave my Good Idea a ritzy name, ‘Puu’, and I decorated it so that it looks like it is expensive and could be sold at an expensive hair salon (even though it is made out of half a Gatorade bottle and an empty Pringle’s container.) Here are the easy instructions for use:

For any naysayers, I have prepared a quick quiz to prove the efficacy of my Good Idea. Below are two pictures of my lathered hair, one taken after applying a large amount of shampoo, and another taken after using the Puu device and a miniscule amount of shampoo. (Also keep in mind that I used only 1/4 of the Puu bottle to achieve these results.)

A=Large amount, B=Puu device. Anyone who correctly selected this obviously guessed and is lucky

The reality is that I made as much lather with a small fraction of the same shampoo. I guess this might be possible by just rubbing my head more, but the bottle is pretty.

In the end, I am happy with my results, as I successfully cut my future shampoo costs from $12/year to $3/year. Now I just have to convince my wife that she should let her hair smell like Puu, that is, the smell of clean, cost-effective hygiene.

Then maybe we can pay off our second mortgage (which I like to call our shampoo mortgage.) Then we can take the extra money and buy a trampoline, which is the only fail-safe way to make one’s hair bounce.

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