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Olympic Curiosity

5 Aug

With the 2012 Olympic games underway, most of the world will cheer their fellow countrymen on in swimming, gymnastics and the many other summer events. Millions watch in awe as athletes set new world records and seemingly defy perceived human physical limitations with each new event. I watch with more of a sense of wonder, that is I wonder at what point someone decides to dedicate their life to becoming the world’s best badminton player?

At no time while meeting with my high school careers counselor did he mention trampoline as a potential goal for obtaining financial sustainability. This is incredibly upsetting to me because I spent several years jumping on my friend Nick’s cousin’s trampoline without the awareness that with the right amount of focus, I could have made a living playing “popcorn.”‘

While I may not have lasted as a professional trampoline jumper because I am now afraid of trampolines after I broke my nose with my own knee on Nick’s cousin’s trampoline in high school, I had real potential in badminton. (On a side note, if there was an Olympic event for run-on sentences I would be like Michael Phelps, but with straighter teeth.) Alas, even though I won my third grade all-school badminton tournament, there was no one in the audience that day who could appreciate my Olympic potential, so my opportunity was missed.

For a while I had become content with my current situation of watching the Olympics on the couch eating pretzels and taking naps during news breaks, but then I was once again reminded of my lack of accomplishment when I saw that the people at NASA were only hours away from landing the Mars Science Laboratory and a land rover called Curiosity on Mars.

The amount of brilliance and persistence it takes to engineer a machine that will fly 8,000 mph and land on another planet millions of miles away is staggering. I completely burnt dinner a few nights ago because I can never remember if sixteen minutes is represented by 00:16 or 16:00 on my stove’s timer (it turns out that 16:00 equals sixteen hours.)

Instead of wallowing in my own self-pity or trying to train to be in the next Olympics to prove something to myself and then subsequently failing, I decided it was a Good Idea to try to make money in something I am good at (i.e. not sports or anything involving math and an attention span.)

My Good Idea was to try to make my first viral video, and then somehow get paid by the internet like the Numa Numa guy and the chocolate rain guy. In order to do this I simply made a video of what I thought the Mars landing might look like if the people landing the Curiosity Rover got distracted by the Olympics for a brief moment.

My theory is that my basement floor looks like Mars at certain angles, and this will attract people looking for the real footage. Then somehow in the midst of all of the “dislikes” I will surely get, I will make lots of money. Then I can spend the rest of my life becoming the world’s best badminton player, which is what I should have been doing this whole time.

Feel free to share the video with your friends (but warn them that it is garbage, and I am just trying to make internet money.)

Good luck to all the Olympic athletes as well as the NASA Martian Landing team!

Love, John G

Good Idea John G, LLC


Fifty Shades of Grey (Hair)

3 Jul

My apologies to anyone who read the title “Fifty Shades of Grey” and thought I would be discussing anything other than the grey hairs in my beard and on my head. In order to meet these folks in the middle I will include a saucy excerpt from a risque novel I have been writing.

He awoke to her gently nibbling on his bottom lip. Her hand moved slowly      down his chest, then softly over his stomach. 

“Wow, did the cat poop in your mouth last night” he asked as he tried to breathe through his mouth. He then rose sensually from the bed and said,”hold on, I have to pee.”

I should stop before it gets too R-rated for this site, but for anyone that is interested in purchasing the book it is called Killing The Mood; The John G Story

In reality I want to discuss the aforementioned grey hairs that have shown up in my beard and on my head within the last few months. More specifically I wish to discuss a few recent occasions where people openly assumed I was much older than my wife when in fact we are the same age.

At a recent wedding, a woman seated at our table assumed not only that I was in my mid to late thirties, but that I was some sort of professor due to my bow-tie, beard, and glasses combination. I certainly understand that there are a few professions whose outfits are a dead give away, such as clowns, astronauts, and strippers, but I had nary a professor that wore a bow-tie, full beard or black-rimmed glasses.

This woman, seeing that I was taken aback by her comments, tried quickly to recant by saying “I guess I should say you seem more dignified and mature for your age.” It was obvious that she was trying to amend her earlier statements so I let her off the hook by simply responding “your mom.”

In actuality, telling me I seem statesmanlike and mature  right after telling me I look old is like asking an obese woman when her baby is due, and then trying to recover by telling her she looks like she was obviously made to birth children and will do great when she is pregnant.

Sometimes it is okay to just say sorry. She knows she’s obese, just like I know I have grey hairs. The good news is I can shave!

It may seem shallow that I would consider shaving my beard after being told by a few people that it makes me look professorial and much older. In truth, the reason I am shaving my beard is because the temperature has been above 100 degrees Fahrenheit for the last two weeks and I do not need my facial hair contributing to my swamp ass. (For anyone offended by the phrase “swamp ass”, feel free to replace it with “monkey butt” when you are reminiscing about this blog.)

Shaving my beard has never been a big deal, and today is no different. However I had a Good Idea to use the normally trite practice of beard shaving in a way that would convince everyone that I am not old. I researched what kids these days are watching and listening to, and I found a very popular song/music video by a band called Gotye.

I took notes on what made the music video cool, and came up with this video:

The good news is that if the video does not succeed in making me appear younger, all of the acne I am going to get from the paint and marker on my face will.

PS This is the weirdest video I have ever made, but apparently that is what is cool these days.

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