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Diarrhea Fashion

10 Aug

Typically the entrance into fatherhood does not take people by surprise who are not on Jerry Springer. Occasionally in Hollywood films a man will discover that he unknowingly fathered a son many years before, and happens to be pointing a gun at or holding an axe above this son’s head when he finds out the news. In other words new fathers have time to prepare. But just the same, as much as one prepares for fatherhood, there is really no way of being prepared for fatherhood.

From the very beginning of a child’s life the surprises start coming one after another. The act of birth itself is so surprising that many fathers are introduced to fatherhood from a face-down-on-the-delivery-room-floor position. For anyone who has not watched the miracle of a live birth, line your floor with pillows and then Google it.

I could write volumes about how life-changing and incredible my own personal experiences with fatherhood have been thus far, but then this blog would read more like a personal diary. I believe parenthood is just so different for everyone that it is best left to experience; in my opinion reading about it does not do it justice. So instead of writing about my daughter in a diary fashion, I am going to write about a Good Idea inspired by my daughter, called diarrhea fashion. First things first, here is my lovely daughter:

She's a cheeky monkey.

She’s a cheeky monkey

Some readers may recall that I made a promise years ago that I would never again write about poop. Then I had a daughter, and along with changing my life she has changed my mind about writing about poop (and this is not because my daughter only looks like me when she is pooping).

Babies are like the book “Eat, Pray, Love” except it would be titled “Eat, Cry, Poop, Sleep.” And it does not necessarily happen in that order. It can be more like “Eat, Cry, Poop, Cry, Eat, Poop, Cry, Sleep, Cry, Cry, Cry, Poop, Sleep, Cry.”  And this process usually begins at 4am.

As my daughter grows I have noticed that even though the diapers get bigger, she still manages to have what most parents of babies call ‘blow outs’; where the amount of poop produced in one face-color-changing push cannot be contained by the diaper, subsequently ruining her outfit permanently because baby poop apparently has the same chemical makeup as a yellow permanent marker.

Here is the face:

This is usually followed by the same face, just purple.

This face is usually followed by the same face, just purple.

And here is the resulting damage:

These have already been washed, twice.

These outfits have already been rinsed, scrubbed, and washed… twice.

People without babies will ask “why not just throw it in the wash really quickly so it doesn’t set in?”

To them I say “bite me.” If I had time to do a quick load of laundry, I would also have had time to take a shower, mow my lawn, and write a ‘new baby’ blog before my daughter was 3 months old. At this rate our baby announcements are going to be a picture of our daughter’s high school graduation.

The problem seems to be that when a baby is brand new they are extremely time-consuming. Then as they get older and start to have personalities, it is hard not to play with them when they are awake and not crying, sleeping, or pooping. This results in not being very productive, and definitely not doing quick loads of laundry.

I had a Good Idea to solve this problem called Diarrhea Fashion.

It's cute and disposable!

It’s cute and disposable!

By constructing outfits out of adult-sized diapers parents can enjoy the dual benefits of a cute baby and a disposable outfit! No more will pooping up their entire back ruin the outfit and the blanket the baby is laying on.

Any cheesy saying can be included on the front.

Any cheesy saying can be included on the front.

The only drawback of the current design was that my model was not cooperating. Now I know how all the designers in New York feel.

Diarrhea fashion model

Her face looks so pensive because she was literally using the product at this precise moment.

While the outfits are not as cute as baby Gap or Carter’s, they serve a purpose that our daughter seems to be needing more and more as she grows (and eats more and more). It may look odd now, but if new parents everywhere agreed to dress our babies in Diarrhea Fashion, we would all save money in the end (and also I would make a lot of money in the end). Anyone interested in buying from the Diarrhea Fashion line, please leave your order in the comments, and I will get back to you sometime within 18 years.

Rainbow Emi

Fifty Shades of Grey (Hair)

3 Jul

My apologies to anyone who read the title “Fifty Shades of Grey” and thought I would be discussing anything other than the grey hairs in my beard and on my head. In order to meet these folks in the middle I will include a saucy excerpt from a risque novel I have been writing.

He awoke to her gently nibbling on his bottom lip. Her hand moved slowly      down his chest, then softly over his stomach. 

“Wow, did the cat poop in your mouth last night” he asked as he tried to breathe through his mouth. He then rose sensually from the bed and said,”hold on, I have to pee.”

I should stop before it gets too R-rated for this site, but for anyone that is interested in purchasing the book it is called Killing The Mood; The John G Story

In reality I want to discuss the aforementioned grey hairs that have shown up in my beard and on my head within the last few months. More specifically I wish to discuss a few recent occasions where people openly assumed I was much older than my wife when in fact we are the same age.

At a recent wedding, a woman seated at our table assumed not only that I was in my mid to late thirties, but that I was some sort of professor due to my bow-tie, beard, and glasses combination. I certainly understand that there are a few professions whose outfits are a dead give away, such as clowns, astronauts, and strippers, but I had nary a professor that wore a bow-tie, full beard or black-rimmed glasses.

This woman, seeing that I was taken aback by her comments, tried quickly to recant by saying “I guess I should say you seem more dignified and mature for your age.” It was obvious that she was trying to amend her earlier statements so I let her off the hook by simply responding “your mom.”

In actuality, telling me I seem statesmanlike and mature  right after telling me I look old is like asking an obese woman when her baby is due, and then trying to recover by telling her she looks like she was obviously made to birth children and will do great when she is pregnant.

Sometimes it is okay to just say sorry. She knows she’s obese, just like I know I have grey hairs. The good news is I can shave!

It may seem shallow that I would consider shaving my beard after being told by a few people that it makes me look professorial and much older. In truth, the reason I am shaving my beard is because the temperature has been above 100 degrees Fahrenheit for the last two weeks and I do not need my facial hair contributing to my swamp ass. (For anyone offended by the phrase “swamp ass”, feel free to replace it with “monkey butt” when you are reminiscing about this blog.)

Shaving my beard has never been a big deal, and today is no different. However I had a Good Idea to use the normally trite practice of beard shaving in a way that would convince everyone that I am not old. I researched what kids these days are watching and listening to, and I found a very popular song/music video by a band called Gotye.

I took notes on what made the music video cool, and came up with this video:

The good news is that if the video does not succeed in making me appear younger, all of the acne I am going to get from the paint and marker on my face will.

PS This is the weirdest video I have ever made, but apparently that is what is cool these days.

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