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The MusculoSpiritual System

23 Feb

The way we treat our bodies can say a lot about us as people. In the Bible the body is described as a temple that houses the divine and should be treated as such. If that is the case, at least my temple is well insulated.

Buddha taught the importance of treating the body well in order for it to house an effective mind and spirit. John Mayer said “your body is a wonderland,” a belief that only he shares because it is dumb and makes no sense.

When I think about my body being a temple, I picture the Temple of Doom from the Indiana Jones movies.  Years of contact sports, illnesses, a sugar addiction, a taste for beer and an overall disdain for exercise have left the svelte, conditioned body of my youth far behind, huffing and puffing and stopping every 5 minutes to lay on the ground and catch its breath.

One would think that a person would need a strong brain (i.e. will power and self-determination) to manage a healthy lifestyle, constantly driving the body to exercise through pain and past life’s temptations to maintain an in-shape body. Yet I continue to see a lot of these ripped, jacked-up guys who have the personality of a soap dish and the IQ of a gold-fish working out at the gym, and I want to know why they can do it successfully and I cannot.

At first I believed the trick involved how someone looks at the mirror while they work out. In exercise physiology class at Miami University they taught the importance of proper exercise technique, using a mirror as an aid to help support safe and effective form. Because I never actually went to class I missed the specifics of the lecture, but I do not remember the final exam involving questions about the importance of do-rags, sunglasses (indoors) and cut-off shirts.

After watching the mirrors for a while the only thing I noticed was that everyone else was lifting a lot more weight than I was, and that I was the only person who was not fixated on my own reflection. This was partly because I had to watch other people use the workout machines before I took a turn because I did not know what half of them were intended to do.

This exercise really worked out my hang upside down muscles

The more I watched the more confident I became, that is, until I was yelled at for doing exercises on construction scaffolding that I thought was intended for some type of special pull-up (this did not actually happen, but I am not embarrassed to say that it very well could have happened if any construction had taken place.)

My wife has recently become excited about yoga, a form of exercise that is a brilliant mix of physical, mental, and spiritual flexibility. Although I would probably enjoy yoga greatly because I am extremely flexible in these categories, I cannot take part because my wallet is not flexible.

To clean my walls I simply put on my Swiffer wall-cleaning pants

Instead of reaching zen-like peace while staying fit at yoga with my wife, I have been relegated to lifting weights in our basement that smells like my cat’s butt. Unfortunately starting at the beginning is extremely depressing, primarily because I do not want to spend an hour a day in pain while also being reminded of how weak I have become.

This is why I had the Good Idea to create GoodIdea Muscle Systems, or GMS. This system takes the physical benefits of weight lifting and blends it with the positive mental strengthening and spirituality involved in yoga.

It is hard to tell but he is laughing at the contestants...And if he's not, he should be.

I managed to find this perfect balance by simply creating a weight system that uses grams instead of pounds, therefore creating the illusion that the user is lifting incredible amounts of weight. In this way the user will not feel self-conscious, and will eagerly show off their power to the mirror and other guys who have much lower numbers on their weights.

When people ask what GMS stands for, tell them GoodIdea Muscle Systems is working in your corner today!

So whether someone is building a “temple for the divine” or “reinforcing the house that holds their mind and spirit”, remember that lifting GMS weights should be the first and most important step. The beauty of the GMS program is that even though an individual starts off by only lifting 1 pound weights, that still equals 450 grams, and across the room that looks like a lot!

Skeptics may argue that simply having a high number written on the weights will not make a person stronger or healthier, and this contradicts the teachings of Jesus and Buddha.

My answer to these naysayers is this:

If “building the temple” and “reinforcing the house” were referring only to the physical body, then why did Jesus often fast for extremely unhealthy lengths of time while always drinking wine instead of water, and why was Buddha morbidly obese due to a frequently sedentary lifestyle?

These great teachers both knew that building up confidence in one’s own mind is the way to true health and happiness. We should let the do-ragged muscle men  worry about how they look as they admire their own reflection, repeating the phrase “your body is a wonderland” over and over again in their heads.

When this goal is reached there will be no need for the GoodIdea Muscle Systems. My proof is that the GMS helped me reach this ultimate enlightenment.

And that is why I have decided to never work out again.

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Scampoo

26 Apr

I have only just recently become self-conscious about my appearance. I believe this is supposed to happen during puberty, but I have not had another voice change or mysterious hair growth as of yet.

I have never shied away from attention, but my favorite shirt has dinosaurs on it  because I like dinosaurs, not attention. In other words, clothes are not the source of my self-consciousness.

I suspect that my new job is mostly to blame, considering there are 5 males and 175 female nurses on the neonatal intensive care unit. The last time I witnessed numbers this lopsided was the Nascar race I attended in Tennessee, except I was part of the minority because I had all of my teeth.

Nascar races are entertaining. People watching at Nascar races is life-changing

 Most guys hear these numbers and think “whoa, awesome odds!” Sadly, it is about as awesome as attending a baby shower three times a week.

Prior to this job I was unaware that a conversation about shampoo could go on for longer than 2 minutes, much less through an entire 30 minute lunch break, and then start again two days later with the same fervor.

The amount of conversations about make-up, skin-care products, lip gloss and moisturizer are overwhelming and would normally make me feel relieved that I am not a female. But for some reason I have become acutely aware that my shampoo only costs $1.00 per bottle.

I asked my wife how much her shampoo costs, like a child seeking reassurance after getting a swirly at school, and I was not entirely surprised to hear that each bottle of her shampoo costs around $15. This did not sound incredibly outrageous until I realized that she uses conditioner, body wash, face wash and shampoo, and has a lot more hair on her head to clean than I do.

I became worried that perhaps I am the only person who  just uses shampoo and body wash (or sometimes just shampoo if I put too much on, or am out of body wash.)

With some gentle coaxing, my wife revealed that her last bill for hair care products was $60 (and defended herself by saying she bought the large bottles of shampoo because it was a better deal.) I happen to think $1.00 per bottle is a better deal, but I have never been great at math or economics.

I played with the numbers and found that for $60, I could buy 11 gallons of my shampoo; enough to wash all the orphans of the world. The big question remained: Is her shampoo worth the extra money?

Poo-Pooing the Shampoo Sham

To find out if expensive shampoo is indeed a scam, I secretly started using my wife’s shampoo. Aside from smelling like my wife all day, I did not notice any difference over the span of a couple of weeks.

Although it claimed to offer more shine, volume, and bounce (words that I had never thought to use to describe my hair,) I definitely never witnessed my hair shining or bouncing.

I began to wonder if women look at each other’s hair to see if it bounces. And if that is the case, why don’t more women use pogo sticks or moon boots to get around?

Notice the shine and bounce? (This pogo stick was less than $60)

In all honesty, I was using my wife’s shampoo because I was out of my shampoo and kept forgetting to pick some up from Target (because shampoo is not something I think about on a regular basis, and I only go to Target to get shampoo, cat litter, and christmas lights.)

In other words, I had filled my empty shampoo bottle with water and shook it to create a lather with the last bit of shampoo left on the sides of the bottle enough times so that it was not sufficient to clean my hair anymore.

Instead of continuing to waste my wife’s expensive shampoo on my thinning, unkempt hair, I had a Good Idea to save money on shampoo, while concurrently getting the important benefits of the $60 shiny,voluminous, bouncy shampoo.

I created a simple device to dispense a very small amount of shampoo into a separate bottle, so that when filled with water and shaken, a lather is created to wash the hair. Like all soaps, the benefit of shampoo is in the lather/bubbles, and using this device allows a bottle of shampoo to last 100 times as long while achieving the same goal!

I gave my Good Idea a ritzy name, ‘Puu’, and I decorated it so that it looks like it is expensive and could be sold at an expensive hair salon (even though it is made out of half a Gatorade bottle and an empty Pringle’s container.) Here are the easy instructions for use:

For any naysayers, I have prepared a quick quiz to prove the efficacy of my Good Idea. Below are two pictures of my lathered hair, one taken after applying a large amount of shampoo, and another taken after using the Puu device and a miniscule amount of shampoo. (Also keep in mind that I used only 1/4 of the Puu bottle to achieve these results.)

A=Large amount, B=Puu device. Anyone who correctly selected this obviously guessed and is lucky

The reality is that I made as much lather with a small fraction of the same shampoo. I guess this might be possible by just rubbing my head more, but the bottle is pretty.

In the end, I am happy with my results, as I successfully cut my future shampoo costs from $12/year to $3/year. Now I just have to convince my wife that she should let her hair smell like Puu, that is, the smell of clean, cost-effective hygiene.

Then maybe we can pay off our second mortgage (which I like to call our shampoo mortgage.) Then we can take the extra money and buy a trampoline, which is the only fail-safe way to make one’s hair bounce.

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