As I revealed in my time-consuming claymation video over the holidays, my wife and I are pregnant. In fact at this point we are extremely pregnant; 32 weeks to be exact. For anyone who wants to learn more about pregnancy there are a several medical websites to access information about gestational age and fetal development.
Several of our friends and family members admitted to searching these websites for information about how hormones affect hair growth during pregnancy. This is because when asked to send a picture of my wife’s belly, I had the Good Idea to send this image of her hands around my “baby bump” instead. For pregnant couples looking for a quick laugh, the key is for both people to wear the same color shirt, and also for the husband to be fat and hairy.
The majority of pregnancy-related websites, however, will tell expectant parents signs of their baby’s gender (long before they have developed genitalia), what mom should eat and avoid eating (with no references or legitimate data), and what fruit their baby resembles for some reason. Most of these websites also include discussion pages where expectant mothers that have no idea what they are talking about opine about pregnancy. I tried to steer my wife away from these pages because if our child is actually shaped like a pineapple, we need to seek real medical advice, not advice from potential members of the next cast of ‘Teen Mom’ on MTV.
In my opinion, the websites that have been the most troubling are those that claim to be able to use a photo of mom-and-dad-to-be to create an image of what their child will look like. I went along with my wife’s request to partake because dressing up our cat failed to give me a good enough picture of what our daughter might look like in the new clothes we were given:
My wife and I tried several websites, as well as the over-priced photo booth at Dave and Buster’s, and the results were extremely concerning.
For example, here are some of the photos we got from Dave and Buster’s (apparently they thought my wife and I were brother and sister.)
My potential role in the ghastliness of these images had me very concerned. My wife is obviously smoking hot, so could my looks in fact be bringing down our average so much? In the spectrum of attractiveness I figure I fall somewhere between Antonio Banderas and Quasimodo (i.e. I have no idea) so to test this troubling theory I went to another website that allows people to see their potential lovechild with a celebrity of their choice.
I removed myself from the equation and instead mixed an image of my wife with Brad Pitt because a.)he is obviously considered a beautiful man, and b.) I am fairly certain that given the chance my wife would knock boots with Brad Pitt. This was the resulting child:
It does not take a genius to figure out that my wife’s theoretical baby with Brad Pitt is more attractive than my theoretical baby with my wife. To make myself feel better about my wife theoretically cheating on me with Brad Pitt, I uploaded a picture of myself with Angelina Jolie and got the following image:
Since the website would not allow me to electronically breed with Angelina Jolie, I figured the last data set I needed to verify would be to find out if Brad Pitt just makes people’s babies look better. Here is what a baby between me and Brad Pitt would apparently look like:
After a lot of research it is pretty obvious that I am the limiting factor in the breeding game, at least where looks are concerned. That being said, I do believe I bring a lot of other traits to the table. To demonstrate this idea, here are some images of our baby’s ultrasounds. But instead of contributing my looks, these images show our baby utilizing some of my skill set:
Truth be told, I could not care less what my daughter looks like when she gets here. I simply hope we can instill in her the truth that looks really hold zero value compared to true inner-beauty. And if she happens to be as beautiful as her mother, then kudos to her (and kudos to the gun store, where I will buy all of my guns to show off to my daughter’s future boyfriends.)
If she happens to look more like her dad, I have a feeling that she will be just fine because she might already have my attitude towards people who value looks over personality: