Fifty Shades of Grey (Hair)

3 Jul

My apologies to anyone who read the title “Fifty Shades of Grey” and thought I would be discussing anything other than the grey hairs in my beard and on my head. In order to meet these folks in the middle I will include a saucy excerpt from a risque novel I have been writing.

He awoke to her gently nibbling on his bottom lip. Her hand moved slowly      down his chest, then softly over his stomach. 

“Wow, did the cat poop in your mouth last night” he asked as he tried to breathe through his mouth. He then rose sensually from the bed and said,”hold on, I have to pee.”

I should stop before it gets too R-rated for this site, but for anyone that is interested in purchasing the book it is called Killing The Mood; The John G Story

In reality I want to discuss the aforementioned grey hairs that have shown up in my beard and on my head within the last few months. More specifically I wish to discuss a few recent occasions where people openly assumed I was much older than my wife when in fact we are the same age.

At a recent wedding, a woman seated at our table assumed not only that I was in my mid to late thirties, but that I was some sort of professor due to my bow-tie, beard, and glasses combination. I certainly understand that there are a few professions whose outfits are a dead give away, such as clowns, astronauts, and strippers, but I had nary a professor that wore a bow-tie, full beard or black-rimmed glasses.

This woman, seeing that I was taken aback by her comments, tried quickly to recant by saying “I guess I should say you seem more dignified and mature for your age.” It was obvious that she was trying to amend her earlier statements so I let her off the hook by simply responding “your mom.”

In actuality, telling me I seem statesmanlike and mature  right after telling me I look old is like asking an obese woman when her baby is due, and then trying to recover by telling her she looks like she was obviously made to birth children and will do great when she is pregnant.

Sometimes it is okay to just say sorry. She knows she’s obese, just like I know I have grey hairs. The good news is I can shave!

It may seem shallow that I would consider shaving my beard after being told by a few people that it makes me look professorial and much older. In truth, the reason I am shaving my beard is because the temperature has been above 100 degrees Fahrenheit for the last two weeks and I do not need my facial hair contributing to my swamp ass. (For anyone offended by the phrase “swamp ass”, feel free to replace it with “monkey butt” when you are reminiscing about this blog.)

Shaving my beard has never been a big deal, and today is no different. However I had a Good Idea to use the normally trite practice of beard shaving in a way that would convince everyone that I am not old. I researched what kids these days are watching and listening to, and I found a very popular song/music video by a band called Gotye.

I took notes on what made the music video cool, and came up with this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOumnxsOTqE&feature=youtu.be

The good news is that if the video does not succeed in making me appear younger, all of the acne I am going to get from the paint and marker on my face will.

PS This is the weirdest video I have ever made, but apparently that is what is cool these days.

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3 Responses to “Fifty Shades of Grey (Hair)”

  1. Kate G. August 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    i must admit that i have been hesitant to read this post for weeks now and have finally built up the courage. working in a retirement community, discussions of “mature sexual relations” have left me quite nauseated. in fact, in third grade my brother and i told our entire class that we were test tube babies. this would have remained a successful strategy for explaining our existence, except our mom was the room mom that year and was quite unamused by our discussions.

    never had i imagined that such a video was waiting for me in this post. i’m pretty sure that was the best use of 2 minutes and 22 seconds of my time, mostly because i was eating three-day-old chipotle for lunch while watching. great decisions all around.

    really, my comments are about what i’m interested in (me) and have nothing to do with your post beyond that they’re attached here.

    fine. i’m really glad you don’t have a technicolor beard in real life. that would be weird.
    grey hair is a badge of honor…you could be like lambert or my brother and have NO hair. (always look at the bright side of things and how you’re better than others.)

    love to the G (x2)!

  2. John G July 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

    David,
    I’m not too proud to admit I LOL’d to your comments more than I did to my entire blog. I will send you the leftover hair so you can turn it into a teddy bear for your new kiddo and cuddle away (that thought was so gross that I almost didn’t type it…almost)

    As for the porn on paper, I’ll send it to you with your front pocket wallet (whose design still eludes me…)
    Love,
    John G

  3. David July 3, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    well… to be honest, I never thought of your beard necessarily as “statesmanlike” more cuddly. Ironically I was speaking to someone in our family this weekend about the fact that it was time. Glad to see you are back on the bald faced side… Although it does make me a little sad that I never got to cuddle with your beard.

    On another note. Send me a copy of that book… thats porn on paper!

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