The MusculoSpiritual System

23 Feb

The way we treat our bodies can say a lot about us as people. In the Bible the body is described as a temple that houses the divine and should be treated as such. If that is the case, at least my temple is well insulated.

Buddha taught the importance of treating the body well in order for it to house an effective mind and spirit. John Mayer said “your body is a wonderland,” a belief that only he shares because it is dumb and makes no sense.

When I think about my body being a temple, I picture the Temple of Doom from the Indiana Jones movies.  Years of contact sports, illnesses, a sugar addiction, a taste for beer and an overall disdain for exercise have left the svelte, conditioned body of my youth far behind, huffing and puffing and stopping every 5 minutes to lay on the ground and catch its breath.

One would think that a person would need a strong brain (i.e. will power and self-determination) to manage a healthy lifestyle, constantly driving the body to exercise through pain and past life’s temptations to maintain an in-shape body. Yet I continue to see a lot of these ripped, jacked-up guys who have the personality of a soap dish and the IQ of a gold-fish working out at the gym, and I want to know why they can do it successfully and I cannot.

At first I believed the trick involved how someone looks at the mirror while they work out. In exercise physiology class at Miami University they taught the importance of proper exercise technique, using a mirror as an aid to help support safe and effective form. Because I never actually went to class I missed the specifics of the lecture, but I do not remember the final exam involving questions about the importance of do-rags, sunglasses (indoors) and cut-off shirts.

After watching the mirrors for a while the only thing I noticed was that everyone else was lifting a lot more weight than I was, and that I was the only person who was not fixated on my own reflection. This was partly because I had to watch other people use the workout machines before I took a turn because I did not know what half of them were intended to do.

This exercise really worked out my hang upside down muscles

The more I watched the more confident I became, that is, until I was yelled at for doing exercises on construction scaffolding that I thought was intended for some type of special pull-up (this did not actually happen, but I am not embarrassed to say that it very well could have happened if any construction had taken place.)

My wife has recently become excited about yoga, a form of exercise that is a brilliant mix of physical, mental, and spiritual flexibility. Although I would probably enjoy yoga greatly because I am extremely flexible in these categories, I cannot take part because my wallet is not flexible.

To clean my walls I simply put on my Swiffer wall-cleaning pants

Instead of reaching zen-like peace while staying fit at yoga with my wife, I have been relegated to lifting weights in our basement that smells like my cat’s butt. Unfortunately starting at the beginning is extremely depressing, primarily because I do not want to spend an hour a day in pain while also being reminded of how weak I have become.

This is why I had the Good Idea to create GoodIdea Muscle Systems, or GMS. This system takes the physical benefits of weight lifting and blends it with the positive mental strengthening and spirituality involved in yoga.

It is hard to tell but he is laughing at the contestants...And if he's not, he should be.

I managed to find this perfect balance by simply creating a weight system that uses grams instead of pounds, therefore creating the illusion that the user is lifting incredible amounts of weight. In this way the user will not feel self-conscious, and will eagerly show off their power to the mirror and other guys who have much lower numbers on their weights.

When people ask what GMS stands for, tell them GoodIdea Muscle Systems is working in your corner today!

So whether someone is building a “temple for the divine” or “reinforcing the house that holds their mind and spirit”, remember that lifting GMS weights should be the first and most important step. The beauty of the GMS program is that even though an individual starts off by only lifting 1 pound weights, that still equals 450 grams, and across the room that looks like a lot!

Skeptics may argue that simply having a high number written on the weights will not make a person stronger or healthier, and this contradicts the teachings of Jesus and Buddha.

My answer to these naysayers is this:

If “building the temple” and “reinforcing the house” were referring only to the physical body, then why did Jesus often fast for extremely unhealthy lengths of time while always drinking wine instead of water, and why was Buddha morbidly obese due to a frequently sedentary lifestyle?

These great teachers both knew that building up confidence in one’s own mind is the way to true health and happiness. We should let the do-ragged muscle men  worry about how they look as they admire their own reflection, repeating the phrase “your body is a wonderland” over and over again in their heads.

When this goal is reached there will be no need for the GoodIdea Muscle Systems. My proof is that the GMS helped me reach this ultimate enlightenment.

And that is why I have decided to never work out again.

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7 Responses to “The MusculoSpiritual System”

  1. John G February 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm #

    Big,

    That’s convenient, I just got a bunch of boxes of girl scout cookies. Now I just need to figure out where they all hang out. I wonder if there is a Country Kitchen Buffet in Cincinnati?

    Love,
    John G

  2. Big February 24, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    John G,
    Good news. I’ve solved this issue, too. All you need is cookies and juice to attract the elderly. Add a sign “FREE!” and they’re putty in your hands. I’ve considered starting a business this way…collect a bunch of them and then get them knitting hats or something.

    In my experience, sugar cookies and anything chocolate work best.

    Get. Shit. Done.

    L&H,
    Big

  3. John G February 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

    Big,

    Actually the original GMS weight system was supposed to come with 1 elderly person included for this reason, but several organizations found out and shut down the human trafficking division of GMS.
    Love (and honor),
    John G

  4. Big February 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

    Dear John G, Creator, GMS,

    Since I was a small child, I’ve always liked being superior to others. In college, this manifested itself in attending Miami University, where I could surround myself with likeminded people. Unfortunately, my parents said I couldn’t keep going there forever, so I graduated and now work with seniors. (the old ones, not the big fish in the high school pond)

    You will not believe how gratifying it is to go to the gym and work out at my office. I look around and notice that gramps is barely walking on the treadmill, but there I am, walking briskly for FIVE minutes. Grammy is pushing with all her might on that leg press set at 10lbs. but just you wait until I get over there…I’ll be painting my finger nails while lifting 20 at the very least. I’ll do 3 reps and not even need your mirror.

    In summary, you were almost wise in recognizing that exercise is all about perception, but you simply needed to compare yourself to people who have been exercising for 80 years. You’ll be amazed at how well you do when working out with them and you weren’t even born when Kennedy kicked it.

  5. Jon B February 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    I used the GMS system and went from a size 36b to a size 38b! On the jon b pants size system, waist sizes are the opposite so when your waist gets bigger, your pants size gets smaller… Thanks Goodieadjohng Muscle System!

  6. John G February 23, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    Audrey and Addy’s Dad,

    Since I created this system I no longer need to keep the workout straps from P90X I commandeered. You are welcome to them, although it is rewarding to say “I just threw up a few sets of 6000.” Let me know if you get jacked and you can be in my infomercial!
    Love,
    John G

  7. Audrey and Addy's Dad February 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm #

    Brilliant. Sound logic, excellent recommendations…I’m sold:)

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