Are You In The No?

16 Sep

An Important Lesson

This summer was the busiest I have ever experienced, and with only a few days of summer left I am surprisingly indifferent about the conclusion of the season. This is in stark contrast to the deep depression I used to feel in the last days of summer when I was in school. Unlike most kids, I cried before the first day of school until I graduated high school.

I did not hate school; I simply felt the loss of freedom in a visceral way, and also was a huge pansy who cried a lot. My mom always comforted me by saying that I was the most sensitive of her four sons. Now I believe my mom just really wanted a girl (which might also explain why I always had long hair and I ended up as a nurse.)

I actually became a really good student after my teacher in the third grade pulled me out of class, leaned over to my eye level and said “John, you are a really funny boy, but there is a time and a place for your witty humor, and it is not during class.”

Her message stuck with me, but what stuck with me more was when she bent over I could see her entire bra through the sagging neckline of her dress. As I respectfully listened to my teacher lecture me about appropriate timing of humor, I was also thinking about who I would or would not tell about her bra.

This was a defining moment in my life because I learned that we all need to follow some rules (especially those based on respect for others), but for many rules, we can just act like we are following them, but actually be staring at their bras.

Sign Sign, Everywhere A Sign

I recently noticed just how many signs there are in this world instructing us to do one thing, or not do another. It amazes me how many of these signs are completely obvious and a ridiculous waste of space/time/money.

My friend Matt took this picture. (The other side does not say Sidewalk Begins)

Over the years one particular sign has proven especially troublesome for me, and essentially everyone I know.

Every event that we attend, from baseball games to concerts to festivals to picnics in the park, has these signs that force us to spend some exorbitant amount of money on a beer.

$8.75 should buy a pair of pants, not a twelve ounce light beer (I’ll rant about how expensive pants have become some other time.)

To stick it to the man in this regard would require illegal activities such as sneaking alcohol into events, which Good Idea John G does not in any way condone. However I had a Good Idea to turn these signs into an entrepreneurial opportunity, and thus have created my own alcohol company. I call it NO.

No longer will this sign be a deterrent, but instead it will be an invitation to bring all of your NO brand alcoholic beverages anywhere this sign, or the many more like it, is present:

It is free advertising, and I officially have a monopoly on the market now. I have built-in locations already available to sell my NO products.

Clubs, bars, and restaurants have probably already been lining up to exclusively sell our NO products.

I have even started working on No brand merchandise such as this Halloween costume:

The best thing about NO brand alcoholic beverages is that the people who enforce the letter of the law so much and snidely say things like “can’t you read the sign?” will be powerless. If anyone tries to confiscate my NO brand alcoholic beverages, I’ll say, “I’m sorry sir, can’t you read the sign?”

***A few days after I posted this blog, a reader sent me this sign and pointed out that signs like this one would create a huge legal problem for my NO brand alcohol company:

I told him that all we have to do is post this picture under each of these signs and we are good to go:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “Are You In The No?”

  1. John G September 18, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    Freddie G,

    This is a really great idea for marketing NO products. However I may not be able to initially afford the Dos Equis “most interesting man in the world.” I may consider just using your slogan and hiring Gilbert Gottfried since he recently was fired as the voice of the AFLAC duck. It should have the same effect, as Gilbert Gottfried is also a man. Thanks for the tip!

    Love,
    John G

  2. Freddie G September 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    This is brilliant!! Remember the saying that was born in the eighties telling folks to stay away from drugs & alcohol “Just say No”? I can just see the Dos Equis beer commercial guy with the girls around him looking in to the camera and saying, ” remember, I drink many good drinks, but when I am really thirsty, I just say No”!!!!!

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