I suspect that she used this tactic to justify going through my bag to steal her favorite candy before I got to it. I often wonder, as I contemplate what deadly object may be in the food I am currently eating, if the pieces of caramel she took were worth scarring her child for life? At least my future children will avoid these same scars, because in order to get candy from them I will be completely forthright by telling them that eating candy will just make them fat.
These memories of Halloween are all capped off by the memory of feeling incredibly ill after I joined the ninety percent of American children trying to bring the average age of Diabetes type-II sufferers down to single digits by bingeing on mini candy bars all night*.
*This percentage that I made up can be further broken down by the following population demographics that I also made up:
-Twenty percent of these children trick-or-treated in high-income neighborhoods, and ate King Size candy bars from the professional athletes and CEO’s that lived on their streets.
-The sixty percent of children living in middle and low-income neighborhoods ate mini candy bars and those peanut butter-filled, taffy-like disasters in the orange and black wrappers that no one likes.
-The other ten percent of children ate what their parents had leftover because they got their bags stolen.
Fast-forward fifteen years and I have a new, positive outlook on Halloween. It is not because I am too big to get my bag stolen, or that I can eat as much candy as I want and not have night terrors about scorpions, but because I have creative freedom over my costume.
I believe this freedom came when my parents had exhausted all possible combinations of the fifteen items we had in the “Halloween Box” downstairs, which included the aforementioned tiger costumes and rainbow apparel. I always wondered if the sixth-grade teachers noticed that my two older brothers wore the same costume when they were in sixth grade. I also wonder if any of them thought to tell my mom that the qualifications of dressing as a rainbow changed in the 1980’s.
I still enjoy dressing up for Halloween, but instead of trick-or-treating we always end up at a costume party. This is okay with me because there is always candy anyway, and it is usually in a couple of bowls sitting next to each other, instead of each piece being dispersed individually throughout the neighborhood. I find it takes much less effort to fill my bag this way.
There are always a couple of people who do not wear costumes to the costume party, and I feel like walking up to them and saying “man I bet you feel stupid.” Then I realize that I am dressed as Robin, boy wonder, and it is likely that I still am the one who looks stupid.
This Halloween I have zero dollars, and cannot even afford a twenty-dollar costume from Target. In fact, to save money I am handing out my résumé instead of candy. I needed a Good Idea for an inexpensive, but awe-inspiring costume. To be honest, I simply should have consulted my little brother, whose homemade Transformer costume (Bumblebee) had over 120,000 hits on YouTube before his friend accidentally deleted it. Here is a new link to the video: http://youtu.be/nazFvCi1gAs
Here are my costume ideas, none of which will be getting any hits on YouTube:
Movie and Television Costumes
As a child, I dreamed of purchasing the massive, robotic T-Rex from the Jurassic Park movies and wearing it as my costume somehow. I settled instead for a costume of another prolific reptile, Raphael the ninja turtle.
Not to belabor the point, but my parents took away my plastic weapons, so in fact it was really just a turtle costume that made it hard to see the people waiting in the bushes to steal my bag, whom I could not fight off due to the aforementioned lack of weapons.
Here are some other recognizable movie and television costumes that I created:
I have never actually seen the show House, but the costume practically created itself:
The Biggest Loser (Group Costume!)
If a group of friends all happen to be overweight and also have a great sense of humor, this would be an incredible costume! However if you are not lucky enough to be overweight, simply fill matching oversized sweat suits to appear obese, then throughout the night covertly take out pieces of stuffing, so that by the end of the night the group is skinny. (The stuffing may be hot, but sweating will sell the obesity effect even more.)
I didn’t include a picture, not because I do not own a matching sweat suit, but because it is in the wash.
This is a great way to save money on a child’s costume.
Just make sure the child does not plug-in the iron and burn themself. Also make sure they already have a lot of friends.
Iron Man II
This would be a great couple’s costume if paired with the Iron Man costume above. One person would say “I’m Iron Man” and the other would follow with “I’m Iron Man, too.”
Campaigning is already under way for the 2012 elections, and what better way to campaign than by having a costume dedicated to a favorite political agenda. I touched on some of the current hot topics with these political costumes:
The Second amendment (The Right to Bear Arms)
Initially I considered shaving my arms (the right to “bare” arms,) but winter is coming and my jacket is not insulated well.
Another rapidly growing topic of debate is between those who put Global Warming” in quotations, and those who do not (I put only one quotation mark because I do not want to take sides.) A cheap costume idea for those who believe that Global Warming is a myth would be to go to the party naked and say, “I am Global Warming. My costume does not exist.” Because my website is rated PG, I could not include a picture of this costume.
Leader of the Tea Party Movement
Love them or loathe them, this motley crew of off-the-beaten-path conservatives is stirring up a ruckus among many old-school GOP members, with former U.S. Representative Dick Armey leading the way. Fortunately for male readers, the aforementioned Global Warming costume can easily be converted into a creative “Leader of the Tea Party Movement” costume with some strategically placed camouflage. Once again, I cannot show a picture, although I am wearing this costume right now.
My apologies to those people who do not like unsophisticated humor (these people may want to avoid subscribing to this blog. Everyone else should subscribe! Please?)
My Facebook Profile
The execution and accessories are what make this costume special. It is more complicated than tying a book to your face, but the effort is well worth it!
This costume also includes:
My plan is to stick “like” buttons around the party when I like something. For example, if I like the artichoke dip, I will stick a “like” button right into the middle of it.
This costume comes with a marker for people to write their names into the “friends” column over the course of the night. If people I do not know want to write their names, I will ignore them the whole night unless they can name at least four of my friends.
I prepared several updates that can easily be attached to my status as the night progresses. Here are a few examples:
John G is eating appetizers
John G needs to use the restroom
John G feels bad because he does not know who this person is he is talking to
John G wishes he was trick-or-treating
John G likes your costume more than his
Feel free to send any advertisements to GoodIdeaJohnG@Gmail.com and I will include them on the left margin of my costume.
Just like my Facebook profile, I plan on carrying my photo album around with me for those people who wish to see pictures of me in my bathing suit.
Vote for which costume I should wear!
I just had the realization that my wife and I have not even been invited to a Halloween party yet this year. This worries me because I was excited to show off whichever costume receives the most votes. I guess my wife will just have to take me trick-or-treating! (Does anyone know where the highest concentration of CEO’s live in Cincinnati?)