True Job Security, Part 1

18 Sep
I Don’t Wanna Work, I Just Wanna Write On My Blog All Day
(and bang on my drum if there is extra time)
 
I graduated last Thursday with my second Bachelor’s degree, this time in Nursing. Now I can officially sign my name as John G, BSN (Bachelor of Science in Nursing). In a few weeks, when I successfully pass my licensure exam, I will be John G, BSN, RN (Registered Nurse).
 
However, I might as well be John G, HIJKLMNOP because the employment outlook for new nursing graduates is apparently dismal, and the letters after my name will not mean anything to a person if I give them fries when they asked for onion rings. 

   

I still feel confident that I will get a nursing job soon enough. That is, unless before that time comes a rich philanthropist reads my blog and decides I am deserving of a large fortune, much like Pip from the Dickens classic Great Expectations. On a side note, I have been meaning to make more literary allusions in my writing so that my subscribers can feel more accomplished once they have read my blog.   

Then, when my subscribers are having insightful, scholarly discussions as they often do, they can quote GoodIdeaJohnG.com along with the other highbrow publications that include sentences like “they’re self-consciously pedigreed heirs to a tradition that can seem, at the very least, quaint amid the kicky assertional blur of the Internet” (Swanson, 2006) and have pictures of themselves like this one:       

Believe it or not, this is not the band Queen. These are America's literary elite.

 

Actually, I include literary references to make myself feel more accomplished when I finish writing a blog. That way, when people ask me what I do, I can confidently say “I am a writer and literary analyst.”    

This sounds much better than “I just graduated,” which for most people translates simply to “I’m unemployed”, and for certain people it translates to “that guy standing at the corner of 5th and Vine asking for change makes more money than I do.” To my father-in-law, who is a recent subscriber, it translates to “I’m living off of your daughter so I can spend my time writing this asinine blog.”       

Hopefully I will be able to prove my value to society sooner than later (and hopefully my father-in-law has figured out by reading my blog that my writing does not take much effort or time.) Maybe if I have a picture of myself taken like the one above, people will take my writing more seriously. Here is a first draft:       

 

To be honest I really admire what these folks have accomplished, but probably not as much as they do.

 

I’m not really worried about people’s opinions of my writing as long as they acknowledge that my Good Ideas are life-changing, visionary jewels.       

I am worried, however, about where to find a job because I believe a person’s work environment correlates highly with their overall success. I used to believe I would be happy doing anything because I am a positive person until I saw Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Now I know that I cannot work in any field that involves artificially impregnating any species of animal for any reason.    

For that matter, I could not be a anti-whaling activist like the people on Animal Planet’s Whale Wars because I get sea sick just by watching the show, and I would not risk my life so that I could throw some red paint on the side of a ship full of people who are trying to kill me.       

     

Job Security       

The phrase “job security” has several definitions. For most people, job security entails those aspects of your job that make it necessary. For example, police officers will always be needed to keep the peace, and during times of peace they fill their time by scowling at me.  

For others, job security means working in a field that is so specialized that not many people can do it, such as a nuclear astrophysicist or a circus acrobat. (Although I think most of us hope for a future where there is a much greater need for circus acrobats, and nuclear astrophysics is no longer relevant.) My wife’s definition of job security is different, which is why she asked for my help in dealing with her offices Nerf gun fights to enhance her security while on the job.       

Every so often my wife would be sitting innocently at her desk and a Nerf dart would fly across the room and hit her in the back. Having no form of self-defense other than the jiu-jitsu moves I taught her after watching too much UFC, my wife would smile and then go back to work feeling like a casualty of an unfair war.   

After one particular raid where she was shot in the face by one of the few powerful enough to yield weapons in the office (i.e. her bosses), my wife came to me for advice on how to defend herself and not get fired (she told me that putting her boss into a rear-naked choke would be too strong of a response. Agree to disagree…)                

 The challenge for me was  once again my lack of knowledge about Nerf guns, because I wasn’t allowed to play with weapons when I was a kid. After some soul-searching, I realized that I could use a talent that I developed from all the Nerf gun fights that went on between the kids in my neighborhood growing up; I became really good at hiding.   

Hiding is not always for cowards, it can be an excellent strategy. As a matter of fact if America were ever to be attacked by a nuclear missile, or an army of Chinese acrobats, the President and his staff would go into hiding and call the shots in safety. Granted when I was hiding, I was not calling any shots, but wondering what was inside the trash can with me that smelled so bad.       

That all being said,  I knew only a perfectly disguised Nerf gun would go undetected so that my wife could spring her trap in a clandestine way. I decided that since my wife loves Peony plants, and has always wanted a plant for her desk, this was where to start.       

The Peony       

I put together this fake planter and gave it to my wife to “decorate her desk.” Because my wife is way too nice to tell me this was not what she meant when she said she wanted a plant for her desk, she forced a smile and thanked me. She also gave me the look that mothers give their young children when they hand them macaroni art and the glue is still wet.       

I am also pictured here, can you find me? Don't feel bad, no one has yet.

 

My wife then came over to give me a quick peck on the cheek and that’s when I pulled out the hidden Nerf gun and shot her in the ribs with 6 rounds before she knew what was happening. The trial run had been a major success.       

   

If hippies weren't non-violent, this is probably what their guns would have looked like.

 

Needless to say, she now realized that this slightly ugly plant was going to rock her coworkers’ worlds. Instead of the dumpster outside of her office, the Peony got a permanent spot on my wife’s desk (next to the real flowers she picked out.)       

This is probably what 007's desk would look like if he worked here

 

When the time was right, my wife led the charge against her long-time oppressors. The rest is history, and although it did not make the news, my wife’s bosses didn’t stand a chance. When my wife pulled out the Peony, I’m sure it looked like a mix between the scene when Tom Cruise takes off his fake face disguise in “Mission:Impossible” and the “say hello to my little friend” scene from “Scarface.”          

My wife was happy (and her boss was apparently very impressed) so maybe if I can not find a nursing job quickly, I will look into CIA or MI-6.      

This blog will self-destruct in 5 seconds.       

TO BE CONTINUED…..       

        

        

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For those of you who didn’t believe your computer would blow up after 5 seconds and made it down this far, I will reward your efforts with a link to the best thing I have seen on the internet in a while. Enjoy!       

       

        

        

        

        

        

Reference (Photo and Quotation)    

Swanson, Carl. (2006). Brainy young things. Retrieved on 09/18/2010 from http://nymag.com/news/media/16585/.    

 

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3 Responses to “True Job Security, Part 1”

  1. John G September 20, 2010 at 10:06 pm #

    Alex,

    I was wondering where I got a Nerf gun… I have another gun that is identical to the Peony, but nothing called a rapid fire. Sorry a) for stealing your gun and b) for turning it into a flower.

    Love, John G

  2. Fred G September 19, 2010 at 7:19 pm #

    If you can’t get a job at Children’s as a nurse, you could get a job as a security guard and then hang around with all the nursing supervisors and remind them that you are ready to be a nurse[?]. You could have your blue shirt, blue pants, badge on and still wear your white nursing shoes in case you need to save a patient!

  3. Alex September 18, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

    is that what happened to all my old guns? do you have my rapid fire by chance?

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