As to why I looked like one of the Tremor Brothers from the movie Smokin’ Aces? That is a longer story, which I will tell now:
Bachelor Parties and Other Excuses
My brother is getting married to the woman of his dreams, and to show his elation and celebrate his pending committment and life-changing devotion, he decided we should go to Bristol, Tennessee for a Nascar race. Most people’s reaction when reading this will be similar to my first reaction, which was perplexity, followed by great excitement, followed by crippling fear. Do not worry, these emotions are all completely understandable and valid.
I am not sure why people started having bachelor parties. I was going to research the origin of bachelor parties and enlighten the 4 people who read my blog. Instead I am going to save time and assume it was the movie “Bachelor Party” with Tom Hanks that set the expectations for all subsequent bachelor parties, and then I will invite my 4 readers over to watch the movie instantly on Netflix and discuss it. It will be like a book club without reading, which is ideal. I am sure of one thing though: the movie “Bachelor Party” did not involve Nascar.
Although I have never been a big Nascar fan, I respect the people who are big Nascar fans. This is mostly because I could not watch colorful cars drive in 500 circles even if I wanted to. I get motion sickness from turning my head too quickly back and forth, which rules out watching sports such as tennis, volleyball, and Nascar, or responding quickly to someone who says “hey John G” from my right or left side. Anyone who has a “motion-disorder” like mine will understand what I mean. Everyone else will think I am lame. Either way, watching 30 billboards-on-wheels drive in 500 circles was way more fun than I thought it would be, and I didn’t get nauseous. My theory is that the overwhelming noise coming from the cars put my brain past its pain threshold so that it forgot to feel sick too. I did not research this either so do not quote me.
The race was captivating for many reasons. Before the race started we said the Pledge of Allegiance as all but one of the paratroopers that jumped from a plane landed perfectly timed jumps on the track. The last paratrooper, who unfortunately had the American flag tied to him, landed in more of a controlled tumble. I like to think he was trying to show the crowd that even when America falls down, we get back up again and play it off like it didn’t hurt, even though we have a visible limp as we run off of the track. To his credit, it is a little depressing to realize that a guy can jump out of a plane on a windy evening with a gigantic flag attached to his back and control his tumble better than I did while carrying the laundry down the steps yesterday. If thousands of people would have watched me fall down my stairs, I still would have laid there for 10 minutes covered in dirty clothes, like I did.
When the race was over my car was not victorious, however after watching it the whole night I really wanted baked beans.
Bachelor Party Award Ceremony
One stipulation was made for attending the bachelor party: Everyone had to have facial hair, or an extremely valid excuse (e.g. one attendee was called into a meeting with his boss, who told him to shave.) I am not sure if this was some sort of Nascar camouflage or a celebration of another thing that sets men apart from most women (keeping in mind that some women can grow facial hair, especially lunch ladies for some reason.) Anticipating an incredibly creative and vast array of mustaches, I had a Good Idea to reward the best mustache with a trophy. It turned out so well that I decided to give awards for lots of reasons. Here are my Good Ideas for awards:
The Tom Selleck Award: 1st Place, Mustache Category
Second Place, Mustache Category
Third Place, Mustache Category
Last Place, Mustache Category
Most Creepy Mustache Award
First Place, Nascar Category (Biggest Nascar Fan)
Second Place, Nascar Category
Honorable Mention, Mustache and Nascar Categories
Special Award, Biggest Wreck (Drunken Mess Award)
Overall our Nascar-themed bachelor party went well and aside from the intense food poisoning that I got from eating three-day-old ranch dressing and the terrential downpours that filled my tent with 12 inches of cold water, I would gladly do it all over again. Fortunately, I know my brother and his soon-to-be wife’s marriage will last forever so we will not have to ever go there again.
I know that with one single brother and a lot of single friends left, I have a lot of bachelor parties to look forward to. If anyone asks me to make awards for their party, I will gladly oblige them. If anyone asks my opinion about what we should do for the bachelor party, I will recommend staying in and watching “Bachelor Party” on Netflix.
UPDATE: I was able to obtain some footage of our trip to Bristol for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!