Why John G Shaved His Head

1 Sep
 The Answer
In the last two weeks I have been asked by everyone I know why I have no hair. My answers vary from “summer is too hot” to “bad genetics.” The truth is more complicated, but explaining the story to everyone would take too long. The answer can be summed up by the following picture:

NOTICE: Anyone attempting to use this picture as blackmail will be high-fived

 

As to why I looked like one of the Tremor Brothers from the movie Smokin’ Aces? That is a longer story, which I will tell now:       

          

Bachelor Parties and Other Excuses         

My brother is getting married to the woman of his dreams, and to show his elation and celebrate his pending committment and life-changing devotion, he decided we should go to Bristol, Tennessee for a Nascar race. Most people’s reaction when reading this will be similar to my first reaction, which was perplexity, followed by great excitement, followed by crippling fear. Do not worry, these emotions are all completely understandable and valid.       

I am not sure why people started having bachelor parties. I was going to research the origin of bachelor parties and enlighten the 4 people who read my blog. Instead I am going to save time and assume it was the movie “Bachelor Party” with Tom Hanks that set the expectations for all subsequent bachelor parties, and then I will invite my 4 readers over to watch the movie instantly on Netflix and discuss it. It will be like a book club without reading, which is ideal. I am sure of one thing though: the movie “Bachelor Party” did not involve Nascar.         

Although I have never been a big Nascar fan, I respect the people who are big Nascar fans. This is mostly because I could not watch colorful cars drive in 500 circles even if I wanted to. I get motion sickness from turning my head too quickly back and forth, which rules out watching sports such as tennis, volleyball, and Nascar, or responding quickly to someone who says “hey John G” from my right or left side. Anyone who has a “motion-disorder” like mine will understand what I mean. Everyone else will think I am lame. Either way, watching 30 billboards-on-wheels drive in 500 circles was way more fun than I thought it would be, and I didn’t get nauseous.  My theory is that the overwhelming noise coming from the cars put my brain past its pain threshold so that it forgot to feel sick too. I did not research this either so do not quote me.         

 The race was captivating for many reasons. Before the race started we said the Pledge of Allegiance as all but one of the paratroopers that jumped from a plane landed perfectly timed jumps on the track. The last paratrooper, who unfortunately had the American flag tied to him, landed in more of a controlled tumble. I like to think he was trying to show the crowd that even when America falls down, we get back up again and play it off like it didn’t hurt, even though we have a visible limp as we run off of the track. To his credit, it is a little depressing to realize that a guy can jump out of a plane on a windy evening with a gigantic flag attached to his back and control his tumble better than I did while carrying the laundry down the steps yesterday.  If thousands of people would have watched me fall down my stairs, I still would have laid there for 10 minutes covered in dirty clothes, like I did.       

When the race was over my car was not victorious, however after watching it the whole night I really wanted baked beans.        

        

Bachelor Party Award Ceremony       

One stipulation was made for attending the bachelor party: Everyone had to have facial hair, or an extremely valid excuse (e.g. one attendee was called into a meeting with his boss, who told him to shave.) I am not sure if this was some sort of Nascar camouflage or a celebration of another thing that sets men apart from most women (keeping in mind that some women can grow facial hair, especially lunch ladies for some reason.) Anticipating an incredibly creative and vast array of mustaches, I had a Good Idea to reward the best mustache with a trophy. It turned out so well that I decided to give awards for lots of reasons. Here are my Good Ideas for awards:        

The Tom Selleck Award: 1st Place, Mustache Category       

Most people thought this was a statue of my brother...coincidentally both he and Tom Selleck have butt chins

 

        

Second Place, Mustache Category       

I don’t know who Diane is, but I bet she got to kiss Tom Selleck’s mustache

        

 Third Place, Mustache Category       

        

This was used more than any of the other awards; Its winner was the MVP of the entire weekend, although there was no award for that

        

Last Place, Mustache Category       

This award went to a person who tried really hard to grow a mustache and failed, just like I failed at learning how to engrave glass

 Most Creepy Mustache Award      

       

Nobody got this joke… That is probably for the best
 

First Place, Nascar Category (Biggest Nascar Fan)       

This keeps the sun out of your Nascar, Nastruck, or Nasvan

 

        

Second Place, Nascar Category        

Days of Thunder DVD and Soundtrack! This movie was my first exposure to Nascar, and consequently my last until Bristol...

 

Third Place, Nascar Category

 

I Heart Nascar Belt Buckle: I'm sure it wasn't the biggest belt buckle in Bristol...

 

 

  Honorable Mention, Mustache and Nascar Categories       

Good Movies for people with mustaches that like Nascar! I also learned that engraving metal is just as hard as engraving glass.

 

        

Special Award, Biggest Wreck (Drunken Mess Award)       

This was a close race, but the youngest member of our group won by a hair (of the dog)

 

        

Overall our Nascar-themed bachelor party went well and aside from the intense food poisoning that I got from eating three-day-old ranch dressing and the terrential downpours that filled my tent with 12 inches of cold water, I would gladly do it all over again. Fortunately, I know my brother and his soon-to-be wife’s marriage will last forever so we will not have to ever go there again.       

I know that with one single brother and a lot of single friends left, I have a lot of bachelor parties to look forward to. If anyone asks me to make awards for their party, I will gladly oblige them. If anyone asks my opinion about what we should do for the bachelor party, I will recommend staying in and watching “Bachelor Party” on Netflix.        

UPDATE: I was able to obtain some footage of our trip to Bristol for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy! 

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10 Responses to “Why John G Shaved His Head”

  1. Ricky Bobby November 7, 2010 at 7:58 am #

    If you’re not first, you’re last.

  2. Dooley September 7, 2010 at 10:22 am #

    Good stuff John G. More than appreciative to take part in an unforgettable experience…unforgettable partly because it’s forever etched in your blog. Keep the posts coming!

  3. John G September 2, 2010 at 1:31 am #

    David,

    We might as well add “Days of Thunder” to our discussion list since it is so fresh in both of our minds. And since none of the other 4 followers have probably seen it, you just earned a spot on the couch!

    Love,
    John G

    PS Forever yours? You’re not THAT kind of follower are you?

  4. John G September 2, 2010 at 1:27 am #

    Fred G?
    Either mom logged on under the wrong name, or dad and I have a lot to talk about. Hopefully Fred is my dad still and mom just is still unable to use computers. Either way, thanks for the compliment, that is unless you meant that only my mom would think I’m clever.

    Love,
    John G

  5. David Meyer September 1, 2010 at 7:43 pm #

    John,

    No worries on the couch. Coincidentally, I watched Days of Thunder this weekend (no lie, I was bored) and I have no quams about enjoying “Batchelor Party” in my own residence. I look forward to the deep discussion.

    Forever yours,
    D

  6. Fred G September 1, 2010 at 7:17 pm #

    You are a very clever guy. Okay maybe I am biased being your mom

  7. John G September 1, 2010 at 6:45 pm #

    David,
    I’m very pleased that you are the 5th follower. At this rate I should have 10 followers by 2012. However I only have 4 seats in my living room to watch the movie, so you’ll have to watch it at home and then we can Skype you into our discussion.

    Love,
    John G

  8. John G September 1, 2010 at 6:40 pm #

    Matt,
    I’m sorry you were offended by the caption, however after a review of the photos, the ruling on the field stands, and you are charged one timeout. Keep in mind that the last place mustache is still better than the few people who didn’t even try. In that way you are correct, which is why none of them got a trophy, and you did.

    Love,
    John G

  9. David Meyer September 1, 2010 at 6:29 pm #

    I am officially your 5th follower… This is great stuff

  10. matt September 1, 2010 at 2:39 pm #

    I am offended by your caption regarding the last place mustache award.

    “You never fail, if you try really hard” – me 9/1/10

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