Just Cause for Celebration

23 Mar

Last week was my wife and I’s second wedding anniversary.  We celebrated by eating a small amount of food for a ridiculous amount of money at the most expensive restaurant in Cincinnati. Apparently we also did this to celebrate how much money my father-in-law spent on the wedding. I guess most of the price is based upon how long it takes you to figure out how you’re supposed to eat your food, because we had to wait until someone else in the restaurant ordered the same thing before we enjoyed our appetizer correctly.

I believed the soup was much easier to negotiate, that is, until my wife said “this broth is so good, I wish I could tip the bowl over to get the rest.” I was unaware that tipping the bowl slightly to gather the remaining broth was an affront to the other patrons. Similarly, I almost fought the waiter when he cleared my wife’s salad plate with 1/4 of her salad left, not because it was 5 dollars worth of food, but because my stomach was still growling after 4 of the 5 courses. My wife said it isn’t proper etiquette to start fights with waiters, but he started it.

I’m sure it also isn’t proper decorum to eat off each other’s plates like you would at an Applebees’s, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be forced to hide the fact that I’m eating the food I ordered. Why did all of these rich people order their food, to look good? How does the soup i spilled on my shirt look? It wouldn’t be there if I could have just put the bowl up to my mouth like I usually do. I digress…  

I knew this meal was going to be pricey, so I decided I needed a Good Idea for an inexpensive present to show my affection and gratitude for the 2 excellent years I’ve had with my beautiful wife. Using the box of Halloween costumes and an old Guess Who? game I found, I made my wife a card. To keep it special for her, I will only include the pictures I took of myself if anybody wants to make a Guess Who? card for someone special. (I have the red board left over if anyone needs one!)  Here are the pictures, followed by the finished product:

Warning: Images can be extremely depressing

I was glad to spend time with my wife, and I was a good boy for her sake, but I’d rather hang out with her on trivia night at the pub.

Last week at trivia night, the trivia girl said that Cesarean Sections are the most common surgery performed in the United States today. I can’t assume this is correct because a lot of her questions have the wrong answers, because her boss (who writes the questions) probably is some morbidly obese guy that gets his facts from watching Grey’s Anatomy as he lies on his couch covered in Cheetos. I watched Grey’s Anatomy once for 12 minutes before turning it off because the doctor put his stethoscope on upside-down (and I was out of Cheetos.)

I’m afraid a lot of people are getting their medical information from bad sources, and I’ve had to catch myself a couple of times. For example, a woman asked me if she was at risk for graft-versus-host from her implant, and I referenced Tobias from Arrested Development. Great show, not a scholarly resource. I have learned that I should stick to legitimate resources, so I searched the NIH website and found that 1 in 4 women have c-sections in America and that’s a lot; Fat trivia guy might have gotten this one right. 

Having watched several C-Sections I can tell you that whether they are planned or emergent, the mother makes an amazing sacrifice physically and emotionally for the child.  This is also the case in vaginal births, and regardless of what the loser trivia question writer may say, it isn’t like prime time television or movies (excluding “Knocked Up” with its extremely accurate crowning shot). Hollywood likes to involve the screaming and the sweating, but an accurate depiction of the body fluids alone would take a movie from a PG to NC-17 faster than you can say “dear God, what is that stuff?!” and then pass out. 

On top of the pain of birth, there is the process of carrying a baby for 9 months. I couldn’t carry a baby inside of me for many reasons (other than my maleness.) If I have a tag in my shirt that is touching my neck, I can’t function until the shirt is removed. I will literally pull over my truck, put my shirt on inside out, and proceed. The thought of a child kicking my bladder constantly turns me off to the idea. I also eat bad food, and run into things gut-first all the time.   

 Because I have yet to procreate, I don’t have the perspective that a mother has when they say “it was worth it” and “I’m pregnant again!” (with a smile).   The only perspective I have was gained from my hernia repair surgery, and the pain involved. For 2 weeks post-op,  every time I moved it felt like I was being kicked in the junk by Bengals kicker Shayne Graham (assuming he wouldn’t miss every time (snap)).  

I believe the worst part of the deal for mothers is that every year we celebrate the day they experienced the greatest pain, anxiety and exhaustion of their lives, in the form of their child’s birthday party. If people had a party with cake and balloons every June 13th (the day of my hernia surgery) I’d be pretty upset, especially if everyone was giving presents to my surgeon (ie the cause of the suffering).  So today, on my wife’s birthday, along with celebrating the life of the young woman I love more than anything in the world, I plan on wishing her mother a happy birthmother’s day, and sending her the presents I bought her. Then I’m going to call my mom and thank her, especially because of the size of my brother’s head. Then we are going to trivia night.

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