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The Art of Deception

18 Nov They expect us to spend our hard earned money on their product, but most companies won't even spend time finding two people that resemble each other for the Before/After pictures.
The Gift of Perception
 

I find it hard to believe everything I see these days, and not just because my eyesight is getting increasingly bad with age (my theory is that my eyesight is disappearing at the same rate as my hair due to an evolutionary development that is meant to protect me from the depression that inevitably comes from seeing myself age every time I look in a mirror.)

I find it hard to believe what I see, and often what I hear, for many reasons aside from defective genes. For example, why does every sales-based company hire the incredibly fast-talking Micro-Machines guy to read the disclaimers at the very end of commercials on tv and radio? I think it is simply because they know that most people would not buy their product if they understood the stuff the guy was saying. (On a side, I wonder what percentage of emergency room visits during the 1980′s were directly linked to Micro Machine ingestion or choking incidents? I am pretty sure I still have a very small Dodge Viper in my lower intestine.)

People make fun of the medication advertisements for including a narrator who nonchalantly lists terrifying side effects like heart palpitations, detached retinas, and painful death syndrome before recommending their medication to everyone, but at least the narrator is being honest. I want to read the law that says a company can say whatever they want as long as they have a microscopic disclaimer at the bottom of the tv that says ‘results not typical’ or ‘daily exercise and healthy diet required for best results.’ If someone eats healthy and exercises regularly, they will not need to buy a belt that repeatedly shocks them until they have a six-pack.

They expect us to spend our hard-earned money on their products, but most companies won't even spend time finding two people that resemble each other for the Before and After pictures.

Then there is the ever-illusive asterisk at the end of a phrase, such as No Money Down* that can be found in every kind of sales advertisement. After 20 minutes of searching for the second asterisk, which is typically hidden in a crease behind a bunch of staples,  the disclaimer typically says the exact opposite of what the phrase said. My 7th grade English teacher helped me remember the semi-colon by telling me to replace it with the phrase “that is, ” which worked well. In order to help myself remember what the asterisk means, I replace it with “sike!” 

My favorite advertising deception is the small font during a commercial that says “these are paid actors” during the testimonials about how much they loved a product. I would like to tell the companies responsible for these commercials that we already know they are actors because 1. they are terrible actors and 2.even if they were good actors, no ordinary person talks that excitedly about how much they love a  mop. Stop insulting us and just make a commercial with some muscular men and scantily clad women using your mop, like all the smart advertising agencies do.

Deception as Art

As our friends in sales and advertising have shown us by failing miserably to disguise their often deceitful practices, deception is an art form that needs to be perfected with practice. A couple of masters in the art of deception are Criss Angel and David Blaine, two “street magicians” known for various television specials replete with mind-blowing sleight of hand and logic-defying stunts (David Blaine once enclosed himself in ice for several days, and Criss Angel somehow managed to date Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend Holly Madison while continuing to be a complete tool.) They are good at magic, and if Criss Angel and David Blaine lived in any other century in America, they would have been burnt at the stake pretty much immediately (it might still behoove them to stay out of Mississippi and Arkansas just to be safe.)

I'm starting to suspect that Criss Angel can also control minds...

Although I never got into magic because I was afraid I would get beaten up a lot, I have acquired a skill that involves another type of visual deception; I have mastered Microsoft Paint. I realize there are much better programs available that produce a much better result, but I like the appearance the antiquated Paint program produces (and I will continue liking it until I can afford Photoshop.)

People who have read this blog since the beginning saw an example of my “artwork” when I decided that if I was unable to push Lady GaGa down in real life, then I would at least make it look like I did.

A man can dream , can't he?

Over the years there have been many reasons I have made these pictures, and I am sure that no one else but me still thinks they are funny.  Here are a couple of examples of past exploits:

Someone else used photoshop to make Tiger look abused. I simply used paint to put my dad into the photo!

I knew my father-in-law and his buddy went to Italy during the World Cup, I just filled in the blanks with what they did there.

My dad was really inside of Jeff Gordon's Pepsi car in this picture, I simply made it look how I thought it would if he actually drove in a race (he only looks at the road half of the time he's driving)

My wife sent me a picture of our living room, pointing out a mysterious orb she though might be a ghost. I sent the photo back telling her it was probably just a reflection from Ronald McDonald's shoe.

My dad is a big Xavier basketball fan. My brothers bought him tickets and memorabilia for his birthday, I made him a part of the team.

This month, I chose to advertise for the fundraiser that I am participating in (which involves growing an awful moustache for the month of November) by making a few of these photos. Unlike the dishonest advertising styles mentioned above, there is no deception or shenanigans involved with this fundraising effort; If you wish to donate to support the cause please click here. Either way, please enjoy the free pictures of some of my adventures with my moustache this month*. 

My moustache and I climbed Mt. Everest. Although I was too exhausted to make the summit, my moustache carried me the rest of the way.

My moustache and I went hunting, and although we saw lots of deer, my moustache refuses to kill anything that is unarmed.

Before I had a moustache, I refused to go to Russia because I was afraid that my top lip would be too cold.

I had a dream that my moustache was winning Wheel of Fortune, and that I had long beautiful hair again.

Thank You!

For those of you who have already donated, or plan to soon, I greatly appreciate it. It makes having this terrible, terrible moustache seem worthwhile.  Love,  John G

*I included the asterisk above because, although the pictures are free, you are not required to enjoy them.

Click on this image to donate, or to learn about the fundraiser

Tumble Dry Low

30 Jul Now I don't have to rip the tags out, leaving a tag-sized hole

Succesful marriage   

With dismal news about the state of our nation’s marriages constantly bombarding us from all angles, it relieved me to read an article in Time magazine that had a positive outlook on marriage. The article attempted to disprove marriage related rumors, such as one I’ve heard (and probably spouted as “fact”) several times, which is that more than 50% of current marriages will end in divorce. The article stated that this is only true for people older than 65.   

It took me a while to wrap my brain around these stats, and then I realized that “over 65″  includes people in their hundreds. How many couples make it to age 100 and then decide that it just isn’t going to work out? How many people over 65 have been counted more than once because they both forgot they were divorced and went to get another divorce? When two 110-year-olds get divorced, who gets to keep all the expired can goods in their pantry?      

If divorce is what two people decide is necessary, it probably is the right thing to do. There are some things that cannot be worked out between two people, even with lots of time and effort. However, laundry is not one of them.   

    

The Laundry Correlations   

I have noticed over the past two years of marriage that however many hundreds of times I do laundry, I still manage to ruin something every time. Whether it be by leaving a pen in my pocket or not realizing my wife’s cashmere sweater was hidden, bundled within a pair of jeans, I always make the difficult discovery while I’m folding the laundry (which I still don’t know how to do correctly). I learned the hard way not to ask my wife why she even throws her “hand wash only” or “dry clean only” clothes in the laundry hamper (Doesn’t “laundry” mean “to be laundered?”)     

Since graduating college, I have developed a new system of doing laundry. I used to cram everything I owned into the washer, then switch it to the dryer when it was done (preferably before it started to smell like an old sponge.) I’d run the dryer a few times to make sure everything dried for the most part, then I’d put it in a basket in my room until I needed it. Nowadays, to make sure I don’t screw up, I have to thoroughly inspect every item for pocket contents, washing instructions,  detergent instructions, drying instructions, fabric softener regulations, and post-drying instructions. One load takes me 20 minutes to put into the washer, while in college my whole wardrobe took 3 minutes tops, and I’d make a hot pocket in the middle of it.   

I have noticed a correlation between the cost of the shirt and the amount of work it takes to clean. Every item in my wardrobe can be washed all at once, in cold or hot water, with any detergent (or suave shampoo for all I care.) I’ve never spent more than 10$ on anything in my wardrobe thanks to GoodWill and Target clearance. My wife’s wardrobe includes a mixture of clothes that say ”turn inside out before washing,” ”remove from washer immediately, light iron on low heat”,”dry clean only,” and “hand wash only.” Why are clothes the only amenity that we spend more for less convenience? It is the equivalent of paying an extra few thousand dollars for a car so that it won’t start in cold weather.   

On top of these complicated instructions, every clothing brand in my wife’s wardrobe has selected a different location for the tag that contains the cleaning instructions. By the second wash, these tags have rolled up into the seam, hiding from me so that I’ll get frustrated and just throw the clothing into the washer, only to find out that I just ruined the last pink long-sleeve v-neck that JCrew will ever make. I can tell these clothes are softer than mine, and fit better than mine, and look better than mine, and match other clothes, but I would lose sleep if at any moment the slightest change in temperature or weather could ruin my entire wardrobe.     

I believe I have ruined a couple of my wife’s shirts, and for that, I am sorry. The good news is that she cannot ever say anything to me again about being careless when doing laundry. This is because a few months ago, she dumped what she thought was a basket of my laundry into the washer without looking at it, and ended up sending my melodica among other non-laundry items through the wash. For those of you who cannot appreciate this, here is a picture of my melodica:   

Not exactly inconspicuous...

 

To ensure that my wife and I continue our wedded bliss well over 100 years, I needed a Good Idea that would potentially save lots of unneccessary bickering about this laundry enigma (and because telling my wife that the only other people who hand wash their clothes live in huts next to rivers didn’t smooth things out like I thought it would).    

Tumble Dry Low   

My Good Idea was to create a brand of clothing based on current popular trends, while incorporating the cleaning instructions into the design of each item. For example, everyone recognizes the Ralph Lauren Polo logo and associates it with high quality clothing. Every logo or brand is arbitrarily selected, and therefore my idea could very well solve the laundry problem. Here are my designs:   

1. Basic Collared Shirt   

Now I don't have to rip the tags out, leaving a tag-sized hole

 

 2. Graphic Tee   

Is your shirt sweaty from a night of UFC fighting? Just follow the directions on the shirt, and you'll be wearing your favorite musical instrument and skeleton shirt again in no time!

 

3. Baby Outfit   

A lot of people don't know that baby detergent exists, and regular detergent can hurt babies! This will ensure your child's safety and style!

 

4. Underwear   

This wasn't funny, but it gave me a funny idea

 

 5. A Good Idea I had for GAP underwear   

Fall into the Gap...at your own risk

 

 All in all, I am very happy with my Tumble Dry Low line. In the future, I plan on making a “Dry Clean Only” line so people can show off that they not only bought an expensive shirt, but they have to spend more money every time they wear it. Someday when I’m rich from one of my Good Ideas taking off, I’m not going to have to worry about doing laundry at all. This is not because I’ll only wear my clothes once then throw them away, or because I’ll pay someone to do my laundry, but because I’m rich and I don’t care if I smell bad.

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