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To Save A Mockingbird

3 May DSCN0547

Life has a funny way of timing things sometimes. Like this afternoon when I was sleeping on the couch after just falling asleep for a much deserved nap, the UPS delivery guy swung open the door, slammed down a package inside my house, and yelled “UPS!” as fast and as loudly as he could. After I went and changed my underwear, I could not fall back asleep.

Sometimes the timing is more substantial and seemingly serendipitous, almost as if the universe is orchestrating the symphony of our lives as they unfold independently while remaining strangely connected.

Last week my wife woke me up and had a very concerned look on her face (most of my stories start with me being awoken because I am usually asleep.) She had just seen a baby bird that was soaked, injured, and shivering on the ground on her walk home from yoga. Naturally she was very worried that the stray cats would kill and eat it, but I assured her that it would probably die of hypothermia and starvation first.

I guess this was not very reassuring to her because I somehow ended up going out into the torrential downpour to retrieve the bird. For anyone not familiar with what a baby bird looks like picture a small, pink, wrinkled lizard sparsely covered in the same kind of hair that overflows out of really old men’s ears.  Basically I have seen cuter things floating in a gas station toilet bowl.

Regardless of how weird it appeared, my NICU training set in and I stabilized the little bird, built him a nest out of a warming blanket and warmed him under a heat lamp inside of an old aquarium. As he stopped shivering and started becoming more alert he actually opened his eyes. Apparently imprinting happens quickly, because from that point on I was mom. And because all good moms name their children, I decided his name would be Larry Bird.

For the record I have no idea if it is a boy or girl, and even if I knew how to tell a bird’s sex my initial assessment was not that thorough. I figure if he lays an egg I know he’s not a he. I am fairly confident that Larry is a mockingbird. My Brother and Sister-in-law are expecting a baby soon so I might just sell Larry to them so that he can sing to keep the baby quiet. (If Larry never learns to sing, they can always buy the baby a diamond ring.)

(If you did not follow that last joke do not fret, it was not very funny.)

I quickly went to the garden and dug up some worms for my wife to chew up and regurgitate into Larry’s beak, but apparently that was not part of her plan. Apparently my wife’s plan consisted only of telling me there was an injured bird and then taking a nap (apparently yoga can be exhausting).

As I searched the web for what to feed a bird, I found a recipe for this delicious concoction of cat food, USANA vitamins (thanks mom!), bagels, and eggs. Apparently baby birds eat every 30 minutes so once I figured out how to feed him,  I regretted it. We even had to take Larry to a wedding shower so I could feed him, and though I tried very hard my wife would not let me give him away as our shower gift.

Believe it or not this is not regurgitated…

While researching I also found out that baby birds are illegal to keep inside the home. It is amazing what guilt can drive a man to do; Suddenly I was harboring and caring for an illegal alien that actually looked like an alien.

Fast forward several days and Larry has grown significantly, sprouted new feathers, eats ten times the amount he used to, and gave me the impression that he was ready to fly away. It did not hurt the cause that our cat finally figured out a way to get onto the cage, and if I would have walked upstairs 30 seconds later, Larry would have been Who Dey poop.

Tonight I gave Larry the chance to fly away into the world and he took it. While it was emotional, I know he will be better off not being eaten by Who Dey. Here is an emotional video of when he flew away from me. (You may want to grab a tissue).

As I mentioned before this series of events was serendipitous as I searched for a Good Idea to write about since it has been a couple of months. I needed something worthwhile to write about and along came Larry (to segue into the actual topic that is worthwhile…)

My brief experience with adopting Larry the Bird has inspired me to promote an extremely worthy cause that is happening right now.  Not animal rescue, or animal rights, or saving baby birds, but adoption of a child.

My cousin David and his wife Leah have started the expensive process of adopting a child. They have already spent a lot of money trying for some time to conceive and although unsuccessful, they are still going to be the most successful, loving parents that a baby could ask for.

In my experience as a NICU nurse the most crappy part of my job is surprisingly not the large amount of crappy diapers I change on a daily basis. It is those babies we make healthy just so they can go on to belong to the state for the rest of their childhood. When I learned that David and Leah were going to adopt it made me realize that these babies are not automatically doomed to a rough, pain-filled existence and in fact could end up having exceptionally happy and rewarding lives with parents like David and Leah.

To help manage some of the large cost of adoption, they are reaching out to anyone willing to help. They are truly incredible people and instead of going on and on about them, I will refer anyone who wants to follow their story to their link: http://davidandleahadopt.blogspot.com

You may not know them, but take my word that donating to their cause would be one of the best ideas you have ever had. (I should know, I’m in the Good Idea business!)

The MusculoSpiritual System

23 Feb GMS

The way we treat our bodies can say a lot about us as people. In the Bible the body is described as a temple that houses the divine and should be treated as such. If that is the case, at least my temple is well insulated.

Buddha taught the importance of treating the body well in order for it to house an effective mind and spirit. John Mayer said “your body is a wonderland,” a belief that only he shares because it is dumb and makes no sense.

When I think about my body being a temple, I picture the Temple of Doom from the Indiana Jones movies.  Years of contact sports, illnesses, a sugar addiction, a taste for beer and an overall disdain for exercise have left the svelte, conditioned body of my youth far behind, huffing and puffing and stopping every 5 minutes to lay on the ground and catch its breath.

One would think that a person would need a strong brain (i.e. will power and self-determination) to manage a healthy lifestyle, constantly driving the body to exercise through pain and past life’s temptations to maintain an in-shape body. Yet I continue to see a lot of these ripped, jacked-up guys who have the personality of a soap dish and the IQ of a gold-fish working out at the gym, and I want to know why they can do it successfully and I cannot.

At first I believed the trick involved how someone looks at the mirror while they work out. In exercise physiology class at Miami University they taught the importance of proper exercise technique, using a mirror as an aid to help support safe and effective form. Because I never actually went to class I missed the specifics of the lecture, but I do not remember the final exam involving questions about the importance of do-rags, sunglasses (indoors) and cut-off shirts.

After watching the mirrors for a while the only thing I noticed was that everyone else was lifting a lot more weight than I was, and that I was the only person who was not fixated on my own reflection. This was partly because I had to watch other people use the workout machines before I took a turn because I did not know what half of them were intended to do.

This exercise really worked out my hang upside down muscles

The more I watched the more confident I became, that is, until I was yelled at for doing exercises on construction scaffolding that I thought was intended for some type of special pull-up (this did not actually happen, but I am not embarrassed to say that it very well could have happened if any construction had taken place.)

My wife has recently become excited about yoga, a form of exercise that is a brilliant mix of physical, mental, and spiritual flexibility. Although I would probably enjoy yoga greatly because I am extremely flexible in these categories, I cannot take part because my wallet is not flexible.

To clean my walls I simply put on my Swiffer wall-cleaning pants

Instead of reaching zen-like peace while staying fit at yoga with my wife, I have been relegated to lifting weights in our basement that smells like my cat’s butt. Unfortunately starting at the beginning is extremely depressing, primarily because I do not want to spend an hour a day in pain while also being reminded of how weak I have become.

This is why I had the Good Idea to create GoodIdea Muscle Systems, or GMS. This system takes the physical benefits of weight lifting and blends it with the positive mental strengthening and spirituality involved in yoga.

It is hard to tell but he is laughing at the contestants...And if he's not, he should be.

I managed to find this perfect balance by simply creating a weight system that uses grams instead of pounds, therefore creating the illusion that the user is lifting incredible amounts of weight. In this way the user will not feel self-conscious, and will eagerly show off their power to the mirror and other guys who have much lower numbers on their weights.

When people ask what GMS stands for, tell them GoodIdea Muscle Systems is working in your corner today!

So whether someone is building a “temple for the divine” or “reinforcing the house that holds their mind and spirit”, remember that lifting GMS weights should be the first and most important step. The beauty of the GMS program is that even though an individual starts off by only lifting 1 pound weights, that still equals 450 grams, and across the room that looks like a lot!

Skeptics may argue that simply having a high number written on the weights will not make a person stronger or healthier, and this contradicts the teachings of Jesus and Buddha.

My answer to these naysayers is this:

If “building the temple” and “reinforcing the house” were referring only to the physical body, then why did Jesus often fast for extremely unhealthy lengths of time while always drinking wine instead of water, and why was Buddha morbidly obese due to a frequently sedentary lifestyle?

These great teachers both knew that building up confidence in one’s own mind is the way to true health and happiness. We should let the do-ragged muscle men  worry about how they look as they admire their own reflection, repeating the phrase “your body is a wonderland” over and over again in their heads.

When this goal is reached there will be no need for the GoodIdea Muscle Systems. My proof is that the GMS helped me reach this ultimate enlightenment.

And that is why I have decided to never work out again.

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